Friday, May 29, 2009

Bad News

[Student]: I have bad news though!
[Me]: What is it?
[Student]: The other nite we were coming home from church and there was this doggy chasing this kitty...........
[Student]: and we didn't see the doggy......
[Me]: Oh dear!
[Student]: and we heard a Squill..........
[Student]: and felt a ROUGH bump..........
[Student]: and daddy said OH Jesus!!
[Me]: Oh no!
[Student]: We prayed he would die if he was in pain..........
[Student]: but I hope he was okay!!

... aaaaaahahaha. slash really sad. waiting for the bad news and watching it appear was priceless though. especially the "OH jesus" line.

i actually really like this student though. She was pretty upset bc her dad didn't stop to see if the dog was okay. sadsies!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


Culinary Arts: "Thank you and God Bliss."

Trust me - I am in God Bliss.

Memorial Week

So far this week, I have learned the following:

Spanish 1: “This painting shows a cat eating a bird.
The cat has some very long sharp claws.
The bird is hanging out of its mouth.
The cat and the bird are both kind of deformed looking!
The cat looks like it is smiling.
I like this painting because it is of a cat killing a bird!
I really like the cat's claws.” Wow, okay.

Government: “All races, ethicists, and gender alike are of equal statues.”

I <3 statues of ethicists.

Government: “I think that if the political parties didn’t exist, we could do bubble gum in dish, something me and my friends do as kids, to choose, who goes first, to choose a candidate.”

US History: “The young women are wearing mini skirts, maxi skirts, and the young men are refusing to cut their hair”

A maxi skirt? Now, is that really long, or is it a skirt that absorbs menstruation?

Government: "Texas is a very independent state, they are the only state who is still very able to become its own country. I think that it would be fine to become its own country. I am not sure it would bother me, but then people who are visiting would have to have passports. It would eventually become bothersome to me though."

Bonus side note - this inspiring answer has nothing to do with the question, which is asking if your state has a method by which citizens can propose laws.

Social Studies 2: “As a hula dancer, I would do a dance about the problem of overpopulation.” (this one is actually a legitimate response to the question, it just made me laugh.)

Biology: “8. An insect can go around find his or her mate. After this they will reproduce on each other.”

Biology: “1) Let’s look at the Muslim religion, we don’t see people torturing them, telling them to give up their Gods, their religion. “

Waterboarding = Relaxation Therapy.

Biology: “2) Evolution isn't real because its not happening today. Why aren’t humans evolving into martians?”

I actually feel kind of like a Martian today.

Friday, May 22, 2009

My Barbie Horse, Star

Spanish 1: "This painting looked to me like it was full of music. I love that when you practices playing the violin, or write music, that you over look the sea. "

Social Studies 3: "Mr. Ford, I believe was trying to make life more pleasant for us. Why????? Because, he knew ridding on horses, sooner or later, would get old. People would want new things like: Cars, trucks, SUVS, stuff like that. Can you imagine what it would be like to still be ridding in wagons, or on horses??? I sure couldn’t! I mean horses are cool I want to ride one, one day. But, we would have no highways, we would have to be tying our horses up!! It would just be a BIG mess. But, I do have some Barbie dolls that like to ride my plush horse “Star”!!! I do! Do you think horses are cool??"

That's actually from a student who i really get a kick out of. I would totally play Barbies with her. but i wouldn't recommend she includes them in her homework.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Back In Business

This week has been a rough one -- lots of grading, little hilarity, and a sinus infection.

Some gems to share:

Culinary Arts: "The only problem I had with the recipe is that I wasn’t wearing a shirt and it burned…. a lot."

Culinary Arts: "Anyway I really enjoyed this meal and don’t forget always wear a shirt while cooking bacon it burns….. a lot." Got it. Twice.

Spanish 2: "Opinion – I would love to take a trolley through a sinkhole and learn all about the interesting things that are in them."

Spanish 2: "Don’t tell me the toilet is baked up."

Spanish 1: "I chose the painting in the upper right hand corner for these reasons. I think it is the most beautiful painting out of them all because it reminds me of my mother. My mother’s face and hair look similar to that of the woman’s in the painting. I also liked this painting because it is not abstract like the other paintings. What I like about this panting most is that it reminds me of my mother. "

Monday, May 18, 2009

Compulsive Eaters Unite

Spanish 1: "Write a dialogue in Spanish between two people about either the weather, sports, ordering a meal, or getting directions. Use five to ten sentences.

Mr. red – much food to choose on the menu Mr. blue.
Mr. blue – yes, I think I will start with a side salad.
Mr. red – I don’t like salad, I will have a baked potato.
Mr. blue – the waiter is coming with our drinks.
Mr. red – what do you have in mind for the main course?
Mr. blue – I’m in the mood for hambugers , you?
Mr. red – I think ill have one of everything.
Mr. blue. – that’s too much food, your joking.
Mr. red – no, I will eat my plates too.
Mr. blue – are you ok?
Mr. red – no.
Mr. blue – I will get help.
Mr. red – yes, the waiter can help me order everything."


Friday, May 15, 2009

Lost Files

These are ones that I found from the other day:

Government: “After all if for anything else up until Obama was pres. we were a Christian nation right?”

Social Studies 4: “Yes, I did listen to the recordings and storybooks but my favorite little song was on I think on my first day of social studies it was called "Ten Little Indians" I played it over and over again because I liked it so much but I guess my mom told me to move on to my next subject so I could not play it again.”

A Shame

Spanish 1: (matching up column A and B which happened to be numbered...)
"sorry i mistyped.
thanks -[student]"

ahahaha. 8=3. oh man ... totally left my maturity at home today.

Biology: "In biology i learned the different things that you need to look for, and the different things in your body that are important. I learned the animal anatomy. I learned the different veins and attorneys in the body and many other things. I think this was a very well educated course. I am glad i had a chance to take it."

Forensics: "What I find truly intriguing about the Shroud [of Turin] is that it’s thousands maybe millions of years old yet it has not decomposed."

Oh, right! A million years ago, with Jesus and the dinosaurs.

Government: "So if we all helped form America, should we all not have a say and an ear in what is going on? 9/11 was so-o-o-o-o tragic! Over two hundred people died? Was this not an awaking for our government?"

Well, that was an awakening for me. I just can't believe over 200 people died! Thank god it wasn't more -- like thousands! that would've been so-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o much more tragic.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Mormonism and Other Mysterious Religions

Today I am grading some final papers. They are rife with incorrect information and unintentional wit!

World History: “I feel badly about the effects of Israel's wars becoming to get to this bad of a point, it is not even my responsibility for Israel to be so terrible I do not have to feel guilty about it but I guess it is just because I feel so bad for them. I do not know if it will ever end, the wars between the Jewish people and the Muslims but I hope and pray to God that the Muslims will not get the upper hand and win the war by overcoming the Jewish people of Israel and then finish off the existence of all humanity by then creating a Muslim world where not only Jews are not safe or free from Muslims but where all of the world is not free or safe from the Muslims. Who knew Christianity would or even could be so cruel?”

World History: “In mid 1973 Iran chose not to join the Arab oil and bargo against the West and Israel.”

World History: “There are many religions in the Middle East and they all carry over into the United States. Two of the most popular would probably be Judaism and Mormonism.”

(Next paragraph in the same paper): “Mormonism is the belief of Islam.”

Social Studies 5: "My favorite living things in the oceans are star fish and whales. Because whales are so cute and very smart that you can trade them."

Social Studies 5: "In one year some people came and trading things that the Hawaii need and they would give the trades food.Well one time some people came from Connecticut and took four kids to Connecticut to teach them."

Social Studies 5: (via email) "Hello. [Student]'s mom here. [Student] is reading about Hawaiian legends. I'm confused. The first one about the goddess of volcanoes. Isn't her name Pele? It says Pete all the way through the reading passage. Or am I wrong and the legend is about a woman named Pete?

Just wondering,


aaaaaahahahahaha. shit son. Pete was really huhu that we got her name wrong.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Return of Police Monkey

Government: “This is the constitution of the moon it is created by me. There shalt be no lawa made on or for the moon. The main purpose of the moon is to put all our trash on it so america will look clean to other nations. Overtime when the moon becomes fell it is to be lighted with gasoline and set fire so that we will no longer have pollution hanging over our heads."

ESL (fill in the blank): “3. [John] presented himself as the candidate to liberate the country from corruption.

4. [African-American girl] is generally high among the Native American population.

1. [Many birds] may go for years between significant rainfalls.”

Okay, It’s ESL. But come on.

Social Studies 2: “My mom makes me special, when she plays with my toy monkey."

Nevermind. Maybe I don't want that toy monkey afterall.


I had more of these, but my document got closed without being saved. Alas.

Biology (maybe?): “If we had two suns, it would be way to hot for us here. Who knws it might also blind us, which would make people lose their jobs.”

Forensics: “1. From the data on the chart, what evidence supports the theory that these bones might indeed be the remains of the lost scientists? I'm honestly not sure what the difference is between lost scientists and lost "regular-people".”

Culinary Arts: “My mom couldn’t taste because of her allergies but she did say that it felt good in her mouth.”

That's what she said.

Monday, May 11, 2009

US History Gold Mine

So, I'll be honest, the majority of these are from one particularly careless student in my US History class. Not all of them are her, but she was really a shining star responsible for 2/3 of these.

US History: “The French revolution never fingered out there war cause they never could agree on anything.”

US History: “The French didn’t really seem to be fighting for much they where fighting for the britches.”

US History: “The American’s took over the British of French. They took over them for years that’s what it says and The untied states of American I’m not sure if we still have the British French maybe someone else took over them now.”

US History: “The French took over some place I forgot the pace.”

US History: “It never rained and it fault like a hot dusty disorient.”

US History: “The farm hade a some house and some what good water and food. It went years tell the war ennead and where I was use to my job cleaning how to make clothes and cook food.”

US History: “I hade told them that sometimes there where fries and people would die.”

And today's crowning glory -- best chat I've ever had:

“Teacher: Thank you, have a blessed day!
Parent: I love how this school ends with "a blessed day!"”

Me too, Parent. Me too.

"Wiped Down the Baseboards"

Sorry for the delay. I was lazy last week because I was also sick and cranky. These are from Friday. No treasures from Thursday.

Social Studies 5: “Hawaii is a state to have fun in. Now name me one state in the United States that is just all party. I thought so. There is no other state ifridn the U.S. that is just for fun.”

World History: “Well, was the war justified? I would have to say legally, no, but economically speaking, yes.”

Social Studies 5: “The elephants have a big and long nose, called truck.”

Spanish 2: (assignment was to translate from spanish phrases) “1.Park the automobile next to the bomb.” … whoopsies, 'bomba' actually means gas pump.

Government: (from a bill of rights for a colony on the moon) “8- Right to try and contact aliens that may be suspected of disrupting your livelihood.”

Government: “Or the poor kids getting blown up everyday in Iraq for having fathers and mothers who are communist to our country."

Spanish 1: “Paella is a traditional plate in Spain. It originates from Valencia, but there were difference variations in other Spanish places. It’s cooked outside with fire. It tells you the things to cook with it I think. Including tomatoes and ...peas?"”

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Weak Wednesday

Not much hilarity today, despite the fact that I graded almost 200 assignments. Sorry, friends!

Government: “I personally don’t think anything should be disclosed from the public.” Again, with that word…

Social Studies 2: “My play was Rosa Parks and we made it as simple as we could. The characters were my sister and my brother and I and my plush toy police monkey, George. My sister Esther was Rosa Parks, my brother Abraham was the white man, and I was the bus-driver. We did not use any props. Rosa Parks: No I Will not!, Bus-driver: let this man sit here!”

ahaha, I actually think that one is just super adorable. I want a police monkey!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

This Is Really From Tuesday

So, yesterday I left work early and forgot to email myself these gems before I left. But fear not, here they are:

US History: “Any death really strikes panic in people, however when it is the leader of the nation, it will be slightly worse.”

US History: “I can’t say America improved at all with the elections of 2000 and 2004. Actually, many will probably say it was more of a disprovement considering George Bush wasn’t the most intelligent of people to attempt to run the nation”

Forensics: “Proper packaging is important because if its a liquid and you put it in a paper bag...well that just wont work.”

Government: “2. What are your religious beliefs? How do these beliefs influence your position? My beliefs are spiritfilled. I believe in the father son and the holy spirit as one. He is my savior and he died on the cross for my sins. He is Jesus Christ and he is my hero. Im not sure actually I just read my bible when i have the time talk to God all the time and stick with my youth and stay in leadership.”

Social Studies 5: “The Greeks and Romans had in common is That they like to rule. The romans & greeks are realy diffrent like the romans dont like games as much as the greeks.”

Social Studies 5: “Becouse "Demrocicy" is the maning people.”

Government: “In this essay the author is going to discuss what the authors opinion to remove Saddam Hussein from his position, and about the policies of rebuilding Iraq after the war. Many people have different opinions on this topic. The author thinks that these decisions are right and he will explain.”

Monday, May 4, 2009


Here is some basic info that some people have been wondering:

  • The students are k-12. The classes with numbers after the name indicate the grade. All of the other classes are highschool.
  • Yes, I do teach an absurd number of classes, but some other teachers have been sending me funny ones they get as well.

Monday Madness

The weekend been good to us!

Forensics: “i did bad on the activity. thay wernt vary instring”

Social Studies 5: “Greece is known for its false gods and goddesses. It has many and there are a lot of legends that tell ridiculous stories of how they were born and worshipped.”

Social Studies 5: “The food sounds disgusting. They eat octopus, fish pies and fried and pickled pigeons. I do not think I could eat those foods after seeing what they look like alive. Especially an octopus and the method to clean it sound gross. The way they beat it against a wall until it gets soft sounds so sick. I don’t think I could get that picture out of my head. I would stick with the figs and pastries if I had visited that town.”

Bible 5: “What is a missionary? Can you be a missionary in your hometown? How?
1. Here is mine missionary to put in my words I would say that it means like he was being mean to them in a weird way.
2.No,you don't you can do it here.In the USA.
3.Well I can make people pick up trash that they drop right on the ground.

Spanish 2: “Losing your class credit means I will not qualify for a college ready diploma. Double Bummer!”

Terrible Obnoxious Chat for World History:
"Student: ok and the final paper what can that be wrote on?
Teacher: Have you read the directions?
Student: yes i can but its confusing
Student: i have
Teacher: Alright, what is confusing you specifically?
Student: can i wrote it on like anything through the whole school year?
Teacher: You can write on any geographical region we have studied -- then you can focus on whatever events you choose, but make sure you cover the topics asked about in the directions.
Student: ok wow this is gonna take some time
Teacher: Yes, it is your big final paper.
Teacher: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Student: yes how much of my grade does it count for?
Teacher: The grade weight is 6.
Teacher: That means it weighs 6 times as heavily as a typical assignment.
Student: do say i got a zero on it and i have a 76 now would i fail the class?
Student: say sorry
Teacher: I don't know precisely how it would affect your grade, and I am not willing to take the time to calculate it.
Teacher: If you choose not to do your final paper, you need to accept the consequences.

Then, in the social center:
Same student: shes a bitch
Friend: lol
Same Student: i have a 76 in history and i asked if i got a zero on my final paper would i fail the class
Same Student: and shes like im not willing to celculate that right now and if you choose to not take the final paper you will have to live with the concukunces
Friend: a 76 dang
Same student: lol i know it sucks" Oh yeah kid? see what you get now! mwahahaha!

Culinary Arts: “I didn’t have the ingredients needed to make some kind of pudding, so I chose to make another recipe that contains the second juice of life known as milk.”

Culinary Arts: “Next to harness each substance’s power and sew them altogether in a masterful canvas of culinary perfection. So with the help of my trusty sidekicks bowl and whisk we beat the imperfection out of Mr. Batter and brought forth the formula for world peace and happiness.”

Social Studies 5: "What a city, Greece is a fascinating place."

Friday, May 1, 2009


Social Studies 5: "A volcano erupts in hawaii in 1750.Causing massive desctrution.Also causing people to evacuwqait.Causing over 1 millons dollars worth of damage.In 1959 hawaii becomes americas 50 state.So hawwaii isnt just know for beaches.It also know as the 50th state.And that is my two paragraphs."

Culinary Arts: "It took me nearly two hours to complete this recipe, I had an issue with the dough when I had to leave it in a warm area of the kitchen; the dough became soggy, because one of my cats knocked over a glass of water."

Culinary Arts: "I did not invite anyone to try this recipe; because it would have been weird to be on the phone and ask someone to “Come over and try my bagels,” there is a certain level of confusion that would have erupted from their side of the conversation at that point."

English 8 (a chat sent by another long-suffering coworker):
" [Teacher]: Hello. How may I assist you?
[Student]: Hi Who is the Auther for the book The diary of Anne frank
[Teacher]: Anne Frank.
[Teacher]: It is her diary

[Student]: At the side were it tells you the all the topics that we are doing this year it saids The diary of Anne Frank
[Teacher]: Right.
[Teacher]: This is a true story. This is the actual diary of a little girl in WWII.
[Teacher] A girl not that much younger than you.
[Teacher]: Can I help you with anything else?
[Student]: Yeah i dont know whi the Auther is
[Teacher]: I have already told you that the author is Anne Frank.
[Teacher]: Several times. "

I feel your pain.

Forensics: "Fingerprints are the patterns of lines and grooves on the surface of the fingertip. They provide improved grip. Fingerprints were first used in the United States to grip the pen that signed the Declaration of Independence."

In case you're wondering, and just so you can appreciate how astonishingly wrong that answer is, the correct "first use" of fingerprints in the US was by Gilbert Thompson in 1882 to prevent the forgery of his documents. But, you know, presumably he also used his fingerprints to grip things.