Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Big Brother Will Have You For Dinner!

English: 2. "Winston thinks the proles will never rebel. He thinks that because they will never become couscous. If they did become couscous they would rebel. He thinks they might became couscous and they would defeat big brother. If they defeat big brother the people will be free."

My recommendation? just make some rice instead.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

To Be Taken With A Grain of Salt

Sciencey class: "8. What are the stages of the water cycle?

What the stages of the water cycle is, is various salts which include table sugar."

Man, this salt tastes really sugary! (500 shame points for misidentification)

Sciencey class: "2. Of the organisms you found, which ones might be called saprophytes?

Out of the organisms that I just talked about Saprophytes is mainly classified as 'Saprophytes'."

I think I get it.

Social Studies 6: "Barbarian- A person who doesn't like culture and a Roman Empire."

I hate a Roman Empire.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

It's Been A (Long) While Because I Am Lazy

ok, it's been a long time. i'm lazy. there have been good ones you all have missed out on. sorry about that. but i will share these gems:

art & music 4 (as in, a 4th grader wrote this): (assignment was to write a ballad with a specific rhyme scheme)

"One day A

I was walkin' with my boyfriend B

and he said "hey A

you wanna go 'round the bend B

and go to the bar"

and I said A

"yeh i'd love to" B

so I got the thought of beer out of my head A

I talked with him and yes its true B

I had a small cup of beer that night A

and I can't explain what it tasted like B

cause to my delight A

it tasted somewhat like sprite B"

Some Science-y Class (and god, i hope it was human anatomy): "The special functions the stomach performs is storing food, breaking down food into a mixture called hymen, and emptying hymen into the small intestine."

Gives a whole new twist on eating pussy, doesn't it.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Sarah has One Aid

Some class: "There are countless ways one can lend aids to the poor and underprivileged of the country and the world."

I don't know about you, but my favorite way is intravenous drugs!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I Broke My Glasses While Brushing My Hair

Some class: "Porky is a pig. He lives on a farm. He loves to roll in the mud. Porky really likes to eat. One day porky heard the farmer was going to kill Porky and all the other pigs, so Porky decided it was time to go on a diet. No more junk food. Fresh fruits and green leafy vegetables were all he ate. By the end of the month Porky was the skinniest pig on the farm. All the other pigs thought that Porky was crazy. They all laughed. Porky said “You won’t be laughing when you get turned to bacon and ham”. The pigs got scared. They decided to go on a diet too. All the pigs got so skinny the farmer decided not to kill them. From now on, all the pigs on the farm ate a heathy diet and did yoga. The End"

So that's what Babe did wrong...

Some class: "3. An important gas that is released during photosynthesis is photosynthesis.

4. The Contrast between photosynthesis and respiration is photosynthesis."

When in doubt, photosynthesis.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Happy Monday, New Car Owner

World History: "Spartan: Spartan meant back then was basically strict discipline. Now today we know it as a group of great worriers."

Yes, really fantastic worrying going on here.

I had a lot of other funny ones that other people sent them... but i forgot to save them somewhere, so now they're gone.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Love Shack

Government: "Quartered- Penalty for high treason in Great Britain. When the colonists wouldn't let soldiers shack up in their homes."

Hot stuff baby this evenin'!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

You Keep Saying That Word - I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means

Government: "Quartered means to cut or divide into four equal or nearly equal parts. The soldiers during the American revolution were quartered into the home of the people."

This sounds a bit messy.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Tumble Once for Yes

Algebra: "1. If a person knows no Arabic words, is it possible for him to learn the meaning of an Arabic word from an Arabic dictionary?

1. No it is now because the dictionary only tells the person in acrobat language."

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

To My Fellow Colleges

Government: “Hello and goodmorning my fellow colleges I am here today to convince you all to […] I am not certified in this industry but i have gottin information from certified worker in this industry that The engineers recommended that the work begin there, because it was the largest and contributed the most water to the River.”

I'm not sure which of The engineers are his colleges, but my colleagues and I will laugh either way.

SS5: “The first lair of the the rain forest is the canopy.”

This is where Voldemort lay in wait for years.

Forensics: “The first place was Britian, it changed alot in the 20th century. The second place is England.”

Ah. I see now.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Teacher Appreciation

After receiving a poor grade on yesterday's berri-berri Economics response, one darling student sent this gem to a teacher:

........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
..........''............. _.·´

Excellent use of time, I'd say.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Crop Tales

Economics: (research project essay) "my great grand father lived through the great depression he didnt die im still alive, hes still alive because he has a brain. the end"

If only I too had a brain.

Economics: (student response to a question about supply and demand in a farming country where crops have been destroyed by a hurricane): "fruit prices rise, people lack vitamins, get berri berri and die no one cares."

Please. Take your bleeding heart elsewhere.

Motivational Speaking

Forensics: "At first, I decided that the video was too boring, and I think I did not pay very good attention for that reason. Of course, then when I had to answer the questions, I wished I had observed more about the situation. I got very few details correct."

A+ for ... honesty?

No, It's Not About FarmVille

Some class: "More major seeds were planted in me that summer."

I'm just going to go ahead and leave that one out of context.

Monday, October 12, 2009

"No man, Alaska's Not a State"

Government: "The Ordinance made the United States stronger because it branches out to others territories which gave them power to become states and now we have the 51 states."

This one is particularly hurtful because I've heard so many students make it...

Government: "If u wannabe be 100% honesty did God really have anything to do with country making states?"

Aside from being wildly grammatically incorrect, this has 100% honesty nothing to do with the question.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Use A Dictionary

Government: "10. Suspended - A Cryogenic Nightmare is an interactive fiction computer game written by Michael Berlyn and published by Infocom in 1983."

Yup, that's the correct definition. How did you know that's what I wanted?

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Thursday. In the Same Clothes as Wednesday.

Math: "I was $2.00' s negative at the store a few days ago. It was not fun. I had to go all of the way to the car to was get 2 measly little dollars. This morning my mom was puling her hair up,and found out that her hair - tie was way to negative. I laughed because it was to tight, and it made her face look funny. My dad was putting on some pants. At first it worked out fine, but then a button popped ... and another... and another. Thats when we found out that they were to negative... obviously they accidently made there way to the dryer. In the ending I ended - up paying the clerk the total amount, my mom got a hair - band that fit, and, well my dad went to work with unbuttoned pants."

Did he at least safety pin them?

World History: "The Egyptians were not very dumb people."

Just kinda dumb. I mean they wrote in pictures.

Government: "They had struggled so long to keep a well maintained self government, until their Satin got the best of them. When Satin brings himself upon your life everything goes haywire."

F-in' Satin. Always making my S go haywire.

Social Studies 2: "My second rule is No dogs allowed. I picked this rule because I don't want them pooping on my playground."

Amen, sister.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Wednesday Why Are You Not Thursday

I've forgotten to post a bunch of winners and that's too bad. you should all be sad, but you're a little smarter for not having read them.

Here's a good one:

Some Class: "Q: If you do not know Arabic, is it possible to learn Arabic from an Arabic dictionary?
1. No. You would need a definition in another language, or a picture, to understand the meaning of a word. Otherwise it is like trying to describe color to a blind man, or fashion to Donald Trump."

OOOOH! Got 'im!

Some Other Class: "a) A prime number is a number that cannot be made by being multiplied by a number other than 1 and itself.

b) A prime person would be Michael Jackson i would say."

Oh. me too.

Government: "If he takes to himself another woman, he may not reduce her food, her clothing, or her conjugal rights. It seems pretty self-explanitory to me. If you are a gent and you find yourself a nice little lass, do not treat her as a lesser."

This guy is like my dream man. I love how he somehow makes treating his little lass equally still sound derogatory.


Luckily for him, we only grade 2nd grade on completion....

SS 3: "When I went to NorthCarolina I went to the fun farm. "

... fun(ny) farm?

Friday, September 11, 2009

Rain, Rain

Public Speaking: "Directions on how to make speeches of debate: You need for your audience to be in a good mood, and all about your speech, you do not want to offend anyone so do not speak your opinion if someone is going to be mad."

Public Speaking: "1. Accountants

What's the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. "


Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Good Ole Southern Hot Sauce

Government: "I think displaying the Ten Commandments in a community with a large Christian percentage will affect the community positively. Down south they use a lot more hot sauce then we do up north, all that's happening is the government attending to the community’s needs and wants."

God + Hot Sauce = Monument

Government: "I don't think we have any right to the moon. I think the articles are pointless when it comes to the moon because it's not on American soil. It's above it, way, way above it. We have no more right to it then other nations, and on top of that, what's the point? It can't benefit us in anyway, we can't move there or crow crops, are make money to help are sinking economy. So why toil with it?

But for the sake of this assignment.

The princess will rule the moon. She'll be elected by the people, from a group of other like minded princess's. The laws will be enforced by the Princess's army. Crime will be determined by a jury of the princess's court. We won't officially make rules for crime until such crimes occurs."

Luckily we have so many like minded princesses who don't want to make any laws until after people break laws that didn't exist in the first place. Now that's justice.

Anatomy: "Abstinence is the best birth control because it's like being absent from having sex."

Yeah, well, you better bring a note from home or you're getting a detention.

Monday, August 31, 2009

The Great Peanut War

Government: "The war on terror has killed many American soldiers and reporters, and hurt many families in the U.S. I myself, do not think we should be at war at all. America is not improving relations with other countries by fighting with Iraq. It was a few terrorists who harmed us, not a few countries. In falt, more people die every year from peanut allergies, than terrorism. Why aren’t we at war with peanuts?"

You know, I've been wondering that myself.

Some class: "We are constantly giving criminals the upper hand by protecting unnecessary freedoms provided by the Constitution such as privacy and search and seizure. "

I must also include here the brilliant remarks of a fellow teacher, upon discovering this gem:

[Teacher]: I'm so anti privacy, I'm pro full frontal nudity.

Me neither, friend. Me neither.

What You Missed While I Was at the Beach

So, sadly I am back at work today. I have been sent some winners this summer but was entirely too lazy to update this until now, when I'm back at my desk.

So, enjoy these fruits of the summer student's labor:

(some of them are long, but trust me, they're worth it)

Health: "Both had been drinking at a party for hours and were quite drunk and having the time of their lives. But that all took a turn for the worst when they decided to drive home drunk. Since ‘John’ was feeling sick, ‘Dave’ decided that he would drive home while John hung his head out the window vomiting. Dave may not have been sick, but he was very drunk and didn’t even notice that his car went off the road for a bit right near a telephone pole that was grounded by a wire. Dave and John finally made it home, and Dave went inside to bed. The next morning Dave woke to the sound of the neighbor screaming. He jumped out of bed and ran outside to find that his friend’s body was sticking out of the window, with blood everywhere and John’s head gone. Unbeknownst to Dave, John was decapitated by that wire when they went off the side of the road; and because Dave was so drunk, he didn’t even notice anything when he left the car to go inside."

You know, that happened to me just last weekend.

College Prep: "Topic Ideas;
rn1. My Pets
Good things about this Idea:
-It will be easy since I know my pets very well
-It will be enjoyable to share their stories
Bad things about this Idea;
-It’ll take lots of thinking
2. My Family
Good things:
-Easy, very easy
Bad things:
-embarrassing! So Embarrassing.
I chose to talk about my pets over my family and myself because I believe it will be a better essay for one and two it will also be much cuter. And also because it will be much easier!
For Paragraph one I have decided to start off with a good grabber sentence then mention my 3 dogs by name and go on to talk about them in Paragraph 2. Then in Paragraph 2 I will talk about my first dog, Onyx, and give some cute stories of when we first got her. Then in the last sentence of the same paragraph I’m going to talk about her and Duke [My 2nd dog]. Once in the 3rd paragraph, talking about Duke the last sentence is going to introduce Lacy [My 3rd dog] and then Paragraph 4 will talk about Lacy. Then in the last paragraph I’m going to give a short cute story with all 3 then an ending sentence!
For the first paragraph it will be easy to introduce my 3 dogs, but for the 2nd when I talk about Onyx I’ll have to say how we got her then tell more about her in the same paragraph. As for the 3rd involving my dog Duke, I’ll again tell a story of how we got him then a story. The 4th will go the same way of how we got Lacy then a story. And the last paragraph will explain a good story of all 3 then an ending sentence.
My possible grabber sentence Idea’s;
3. Me, My dogs, And their stories!
My Ending Sentence Ideas;

2. Don’t forget about my 3 babies and their cute stories!

-I like it, but I don’t want to keep saying cute all the time so that’s bad."

Well, if that doesn't get you accepted... i'm just not sure what will.

Government: "Many people were thankful because George W. Bush was elected as President and restored honor and dignity to the Oval Office that was once full of scheming and democratic thinking."

Health: "I interviewed Billy Bob Brown. Billy became angry because he missed his calf. When Billy missed his calf, he jerked on his horse, and when he got out of the arena threw his rope can and wouldn’t speak to anyone. He continued in this mood for the rest of the day. Billy should not have taken his anger out on his horse, because he’s the one who missed the calf not the horse. All ropers miss calves once in a while that’s just part of rodeo. Eventually the evening of the roping Billy realized he should not be angry over missing his calf, and his mood began to improve. "

It's okay Billy, you'll get your calf next time.

American History: "The 1960’s were a time of protest. This movement was started by the youth of the time. One of them was know by the name of Billy. Billy worked at the post office. He lived in an apartment building with his roomy named Joe. They owned a hippy van and a VW Beetle. They lived in San Francisco. They went to concerts including Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Bob Dylan and Jimi Hendrix. They were living the life protesting.
It all starts at a Jimi Hendrix concert. It was at one of the concert halls. Billy and Joe got tickets as soon as they heard he was coming to town. They decided to take the hippy van to the concert. So they loaded it up and headed out to Los Angeles to get to the concert. They decide to take their friends, John, Jack and Jill. On the way there, when they are going through the middle of nowhere, they see something flying in the air. They think it is a UFO so they follow as fast as they can to see if they can identify it. But then they go off the road because a dip in the road sent them out of control. They go spinning into a coyote and Jill says, “Dinner!!!” They then roast the coyote on a campfire that they build. As soon as they finish they all pass out in the van.
As they wake up the next day they find that all their LSD has disappeared. Then they search for it and notice Jack is not there but they see a finger next to the campfire. They are all stumped by the finger and what happened to Jack but they decide to just keep going so that they can go to the concert. A few miles up the road they hit a bump in the road. They get out to see what it was and it was Jack’s head. This freaks them out. They decide they will continue and leave all these events behind them when Jill gets really sick. She starts throwing up. In the puke they find some human organs. Then they realize that they must not have eaten a coyote but it must have been Jack and that the LSD must not be missing but they must have used it.
They finally arrive in Los Angeles with a day to spare before the concert. Then they give away Jack’s ticket to a hippy that they see walking on the streets of Los Angeles. After that they go to the concert. Even though they used all of their LSD along the way to Los Angeles they find some more people who have a surplus. So Billy, John and Jill join them. They have a great time at the concert. Jill then finds out that she has become pregnant but no one knows who the father is as they were not in their minds as they were on LSD for most of the trip.
If the ride there was weird it was nothing compared to the ride home. "

Maybe this is the same John who later gets decapitated while drinking and driving. Either way, I think this kid's family needs to go on Wife Swap and learn a little more about how the other folk live...

American History: ""Mommy where are you going I asked to a party she replied, "do you want to go"(I already knew what she was going to say because we are always going to parties) Sure I said. Holly (my mom) said go get your disco mini skirt and tights. I went and got dressed, while my mom was smoking what she once said was called a pipe. Mommy screamed and said we’re going to be late hurry up. I yelled back okay I’m coming, I ran downstairs mom was already waiting for me in the Chevy. I grabbed a doughnut off the counter and ran out the door. Our Chevy was light blue it was not very nice looking though. Well I can’t complain so much because everyone either had a Chevy or a Chrysler and they all were ugly. When we got there my mom got out of the truck and there were 10 guys standing there they all stood in a line as my mom walked down the line she kissed all of them on the lips. Eww.. I thought then someone picked me up and kissed me on the lips. Well this always happens here in the 60's. Then someone reached up my skirt. Guys are always dancing with my mom and sometimes they are naked. They sometimes dance with me to naked but they do it with her more. My mom and her friends are always taking pills. There is a tall guy that wears disco clothes and (well disco clothes are normal) and he holds up two fingers well I see a lot of people that do that but he taught it to me. My mom said that pill and it makes them fall in love. Ladies and girls in the 60's wear really short mini skirts about 8" long you can see their panties. Guys wear long pants and long sleeved shirts. The food is like all sweet stuff like doughnuts candy and cake. We eat some vegetables and some fruits."

World History: "Well, another day and another war, or at least it feels that way. I am really getting tired of Mother Theresa. "

College Prep: "- Disney Channel - Hannah Montana
• She puts girls hopes up by having a double life on her TV show, making young girls think they can do that too.
• It also makes little girls grow up too quickly where they miss out on their childhood.

-Disney Channel - Disney Princess’
• The little girls who watch them think they are princess too, making their parents buy them almost anything Disney
• Also, makes little girls’ parents Miserable because they have a spoiled Brat in their house.

-Disney Channel - Wizards Of Waverly Place
• Selena Gomez does bad things on her TV show, and she gets away with it making kids believe they can do the same thing.
• The TV show has magic making kids believe they can use magic/spells

• And My final conclusion is that Disney is evil because it goes 120% against God."


Bible : "Being a slave would be awful because you HAVE to obey someone other than the one God you love so much. My reaction would be something like “Really!?” and I’d probly be in shock and not know what to do."

Social Studies: "How was the Quran revealed to the people?

Im sure one of the slaves spilled it out and told some people and it just got out."

Yeah, I think that's what happened.

Sociology: "Race to me? Well, it means: Who you are. Something you can't change. That's what it means to me. Picking a definition, I'd have to pick Essentialist, I think that aligns closely. We are all the same, really, but race is just a barrier between us all. A Caucasian could walk in, and get special treatment, while a Mexican could walk in, and get screwed over. "

Race to me? Ok, you say go!

English 6: "My grandpa was prejudicus of black peaple but he isnt any more because we went to go visit my grandpa in the nursing home a couple months ago and we brought my best friend Adasia with us (she is black)and my grandpa was very nice to her."

Career Prep: "I don't think i'll enter into the profession of massage therapy because i'd have to be on my feet all day, and some people don't just want a massage if you catch my drift, and I dont find that to be something enjoyable dealing with."

Okay, that's all for now. Enjoy that until more brilliance pours in from this years scholars.

Friday, July 10, 2009

My Last Day of Work For the Summer (Hopefully)

Language Arts 6: "My grandpa was prejudicus of black peaple but he isnt any more because we went to go visit my grandpa in the nursing home a couple months ago and we brought my best friend Adasia with us (she is black)and my grandpa was very nice to her."


A Class: "Q: Distinguish between intelligence and knowledge.
A: Some of the ways that some habbits are infected is. They get a lot dirty."

Well that is both intelligence AND knowledge.

Biology: "Biology and Relgion can affect greatly how people eat their lives."

Mm. My mid-twenties!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Long Live Extinction

Government: "The fur trade has been discontinued due to amount of animals being killed. It made many animals go to the brink of extension. "

Is that what happened to weiner dogs? Extension?

Public Speaking: "Growing up Avery always wanted to be a Power Ranger because his really admired the skill and expertise in their martial arts skills, and the ability they had to take down any and all bad guys. He currently prefers the transformers now, and would love to be a part of that organization. The most important day of his life so far was the day he was born. He feels this way because if he were not born, he wouldn't be here to be giving this interview. If given a chance to have dinner with anyone in history, he would choose to have dinner with Jesus, George Washington and Boy George."

Why, yes. We do teach public speaking via online homeschool.

Govnerment: "I know you have met my boss, Reprehensive Brown"

Ah, the reprehensible representative.

The Fish Have All Gone to Heaven

Biology: [assignment is to describe the food chain in different settings - forest, ocean, desert] "2. A deer eats plant leaves, the deer is killed by a gang of raccoons. The deer then decomposes and becomes food and fertilizer."


Comment About Our Office: "it smells like someone didn't wash their vagina for about 7 months and then died"

Also fact.