What You Missed While I Was at the Beach

So, sadly I am back at work today. I have been sent some winners this summer but was entirely too lazy to update this until now, when I'm back at my desk.

So, enjoy these fruits of the summer student's labor:

(some of them are long, but trust me, they're worth it)

Health: "Both had been drinking at a party for hours and were quite drunk and having the time of their lives. But that all took a turn for the worst when they decided to drive home drunk. Since ‘John’ was feeling sick, ‘Dave’ decided that he would drive home while John hung his head out the window vomiting. Dave may not have been sick, but he was very drunk and didn’t even notice that his car went off the road for a bit right near a telephone pole that was grounded by a wire. Dave and John finally made it home, and Dave went inside to bed. The next morning Dave woke to the sound of the neighbor screaming. He jumped out of bed and ran outside to find that his friend’s body was sticking out of the window, with blood everywhere and John’s head gone. Unbeknownst to Dave, John was decapitated by that wire when they went off the side of the road; and because Dave was so drunk, he didn’t even notice anything when he left the car to go inside."

You know, that happened to me just last weekend.

College Prep: "Topic Ideas;
rn1. My Pets
Good things about this Idea:
-It will be easy since I know my pets very well
-It will be enjoyable to share their stories
rn
Bad things about this Idea;
-It’ll take lots of thinking
2. My Family
Good things:
-Easy, very easy
Bad things:
-embarrassing! So Embarrassing.
I chose to talk about my pets over my family and myself because I believe it will be a better essay for one and two it will also be much cuter. And also because it will be much easier!
For Paragraph one I have decided to start off with a good grabber sentence then mention my 3 dogs by name and go on to talk about them in Paragraph 2. Then in Paragraph 2 I will talk about my first dog, Onyx, and give some cute stories of when we first got her. Then in the last sentence of the same paragraph I’m going to talk about her and Duke [My 2nd dog]. Once in the 3rd paragraph, talking about Duke the last sentence is going to introduce Lacy [My 3rd dog] and then Paragraph 4 will talk about Lacy. Then in the last paragraph I’m going to give a short cute story with all 3 then an ending sentence!
For the first paragraph it will be easy to introduce my 3 dogs, but for the 2nd when I talk about Onyx I’ll have to say how we got her then tell more about her in the same paragraph. As for the 3rd involving my dog Duke, I’ll again tell a story of how we got him then a story. The 4th will go the same way of how we got Lacy then a story. And the last paragraph will explain a good story of all 3 then an ending sentence.
My possible grabber sentence Idea’s;
3. Me, My dogs, And their stories!
My Ending Sentence Ideas;

2. Don’t forget about my 3 babies and their cute stories!

-I like it, but I don’t want to keep saying cute all the time so that’s bad."

Well, if that doesn't get you accepted... i'm just not sure what will.

Government: "Many people were thankful because George W. Bush was elected as President and restored honor and dignity to the Oval Office that was once full of scheming and democratic thinking."

Health: "I interviewed Billy Bob Brown. Billy became angry because he missed his calf. When Billy missed his calf, he jerked on his horse, and when he got out of the arena threw his rope can and wouldn’t speak to anyone. He continued in this mood for the rest of the day. Billy should not have taken his anger out on his horse, because he’s the one who missed the calf not the horse. All ropers miss calves once in a while that’s just part of rodeo. Eventually the evening of the roping Billy realized he should not be angry over missing his calf, and his mood began to improve. "

It's okay Billy, you'll get your calf next time.

American History: "The 1960’s were a time of protest. This movement was started by the youth of the time. One of them was know by the name of Billy. Billy worked at the post office. He lived in an apartment building with his roomy named Joe. They owned a hippy van and a VW Beetle. They lived in San Francisco. They went to concerts including Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Bob Dylan and Jimi Hendrix. They were living the life protesting.
It all starts at a Jimi Hendrix concert. It was at one of the concert halls. Billy and Joe got tickets as soon as they heard he was coming to town. They decided to take the hippy van to the concert. So they loaded it up and headed out to Los Angeles to get to the concert. They decide to take their friends, John, Jack and Jill. On the way there, when they are going through the middle of nowhere, they see something flying in the air. They think it is a UFO so they follow as fast as they can to see if they can identify it. But then they go off the road because a dip in the road sent them out of control. They go spinning into a coyote and Jill says, “Dinner!!!” They then roast the coyote on a campfire that they build. As soon as they finish they all pass out in the van.
As they wake up the next day they find that all their LSD has disappeared. Then they search for it and notice Jack is not there but they see a finger next to the campfire. They are all stumped by the finger and what happened to Jack but they decide to just keep going so that they can go to the concert. A few miles up the road they hit a bump in the road. They get out to see what it was and it was Jack’s head. This freaks them out. They decide they will continue and leave all these events behind them when Jill gets really sick. She starts throwing up. In the puke they find some human organs. Then they realize that they must not have eaten a coyote but it must have been Jack and that the LSD must not be missing but they must have used it.
They finally arrive in Los Angeles with a day to spare before the concert. Then they give away Jack’s ticket to a hippy that they see walking on the streets of Los Angeles. After that they go to the concert. Even though they used all of their LSD along the way to Los Angeles they find some more people who have a surplus. So Billy, John and Jill join them. They have a great time at the concert. Jill then finds out that she has become pregnant but no one knows who the father is as they were not in their minds as they were on LSD for most of the trip.
If the ride there was weird it was nothing compared to the ride home. "

Maybe this is the same John who later gets decapitated while drinking and driving. Either way, I think this kid's family needs to go on Wife Swap and learn a little more about how the other folk live...

American History: ""Mommy where are you going I asked to a party she replied, "do you want to go"(I already knew what she was going to say because we are always going to parties) Sure I said. Holly (my mom) said go get your disco mini skirt and tights. I went and got dressed, while my mom was smoking what she once said was called a pipe. Mommy screamed and said we’re going to be late hurry up. I yelled back okay I’m coming, I ran downstairs mom was already waiting for me in the Chevy. I grabbed a doughnut off the counter and ran out the door. Our Chevy was light blue it was not very nice looking though. Well I can’t complain so much because everyone either had a Chevy or a Chrysler and they all were ugly. When we got there my mom got out of the truck and there were 10 guys standing there they all stood in a line as my mom walked down the line she kissed all of them on the lips. Eww.. I thought then someone picked me up and kissed me on the lips. Well this always happens here in the 60's. Then someone reached up my skirt. Guys are always dancing with my mom and sometimes they are naked. They sometimes dance with me to naked but they do it with her more. My mom and her friends are always taking pills. There is a tall guy that wears disco clothes and (well disco clothes are normal) and he holds up two fingers well I see a lot of people that do that but he taught it to me. My mom said that pill and it makes them fall in love. Ladies and girls in the 60's wear really short mini skirts about 8" long you can see their panties. Guys wear long pants and long sleeved shirts. The food is like all sweet stuff like doughnuts candy and cake. We eat some vegetables and some fruits."

World History: "Well, another day and another war, or at least it feels that way. I am really getting tired of Mother Theresa. "

College Prep: "- Disney Channel - Hannah Montana
• She puts girls hopes up by having a double life on her TV show, making young girls think they can do that too.
• It also makes little girls grow up too quickly where they miss out on their childhood.

-Disney Channel - Disney Princess’
• The little girls who watch them think they are princess too, making their parents buy them almost anything Disney
• Also, makes little girls’ parents Miserable because they have a spoiled Brat in their house.

-Disney Channel - Wizards Of Waverly Place
• Selena Gomez does bad things on her TV show, and she gets away with it making kids believe they can do the same thing.
• The TV show has magic making kids believe they can use magic/spells


• And My final conclusion is that Disney is evil because it goes 120% against God."

Irrefutable.

Bible : "Being a slave would be awful because you HAVE to obey someone other than the one God you love so much. My reaction would be something like “Really!?” and I’d probly be in shock and not know what to do."

Social Studies: "How was the Quran revealed to the people?

Im sure one of the slaves spilled it out and told some people and it just got out."

Yeah, I think that's what happened.

Sociology: "Race to me? Well, it means: Who you are. Something you can't change. That's what it means to me. Picking a definition, I'd have to pick Essentialist, I think that aligns closely. We are all the same, really, but race is just a barrier between us all. A Caucasian could walk in, and get special treatment, while a Mexican could walk in, and get screwed over. "

Race to me? Ok, you say go!

English 6: "My grandpa was prejudicus of black peaple but he isnt any more because we went to go visit my grandpa in the nursing home a couple months ago and we brought my best friend Adasia with us (she is black)and my grandpa was very nice to her."

Career Prep: "I don't think i'll enter into the profession of massage therapy because i'd have to be on my feet all day, and some people don't just want a massage if you catch my drift, and I dont find that to be something enjoyable dealing with."

Okay, that's all for now. Enjoy that until more brilliance pours in from this years scholars.

My Last Day of Work For the Summer (Hopefully)

Language Arts 6: "My grandpa was prejudicus of black peaple but he isnt any more because we went to go visit my grandpa in the nursing home a couple months ago and we brought my best friend Adasia with us (she is black)and my grandpa was very nice to her."

Heartwarming.

A Class: "Q: Distinguish between intelligence and knowledge.
A: Some of the ways that some habbits are infected is. They get a lot dirty."

Well that is both intelligence AND knowledge.

Biology: "Biology and Relgion can affect greatly how people eat their lives."

Mm. My mid-twenties!

Long Live Extinction

Government: "The fur trade has been discontinued due to amount of animals being killed. It made many animals go to the brink of extension. "

Is that what happened to weiner dogs? Extension?

Public Speaking: "Growing up Avery always wanted to be a Power Ranger because his really admired the skill and expertise in their martial arts skills, and the ability they had to take down any and all bad guys. He currently prefers the transformers now, and would love to be a part of that organization. The most important day of his life so far was the day he was born. He feels this way because if he were not born, he wouldn't be here to be giving this interview. If given a chance to have dinner with anyone in history, he would choose to have dinner with Jesus, George Washington and Boy George."

Why, yes. We do teach public speaking via online homeschool.

Govnerment: "I know you have met my boss, Reprehensive Brown"

Ah, the reprehensible representative.

The Fish Have All Gone to Heaven

Biology: [assignment is to describe the food chain in different settings - forest, ocean, desert] "2. A deer eats plant leaves, the deer is killed by a gang of raccoons. The deer then decomposes and becomes food and fertilizer."

Fact.

Comment About Our Office: "it smells like someone didn't wash their vagina for about 7 months and then died"

Also fact.

The Truth About Asians

World History: "Asians live in the far east as well and they were big on trading food. They would love to trade food with other countries. This was because they always wanted to be trying something new. They wanted to not be the same all the time and be different for a chance. The Asians except change because they are always looking for something to change weather its just food or not."

Oh, those Asians!

World History: "The geographic region that i chose to talk about was World War 1."

That's my favorite geographic region!

Facts

Government: "The US historical I choose to compare with this event I wrote about is Lewis Armstrong. He was the first man of the US to walk on the moon. These two have a couples things in common they both deal with the moon. "

Correct. Lewis Armstrong: First Man (of the U.S.) on the Moon

Some Class: "I personally find the concept of nirvana quite laughable. In a
nutshell it’s “One day, one day you will evolve into the great
nothing”. I would at least rather evolve into the great pumpkin or
something."

Me too, Linus. (is linus even the one who believes in the great pumpkin?)

World History: "The civilization over in Iraq was not good at all. The way of living over there was horrible. This country did and has never done anything good for anyone."

World History: "Iraq is a very dangerous place, and no one would enjoy living over there. "

Nothing rounds out my day like a healthy helping of ignorance and prejudice!

Reality Bites

Some Class: "Due to a few very recent celebrity deaths, I think that the subject of death will not be taken lightly for a while."

Man, it's a real bummer those celebrities took all the fun out of death.

Psychology: "Sometimes when people say they hear voices, it may just be their own voices thinking inside their head."

Deep thoughts, by (Not) Jack Handey.

U.S. History: [excerpt from the best bibliography ever - 6 of 7 sources were like this]
"(1) http://www.echeat.com/essay Ericp, What was the main cause of the American Revolution, Causes of the American Revolution, 2005

(2) http://www.cyberessays.com/History/108.htm Causes of the French Revolution, 2000-09"

Wow, that's some reliable information you got there. You know anything with "cheat" in the title has got to be good!

Less is More

Some Class: (assignment is to list as many modes of transportation you can think of)
"cars, trucks, vans, buses, horses, buffalo, elephants, hot air balloons, motorcycles, airplanes, scooters, mopeds, feet, boats, ships, jets, skates, bikes, space ships to the moon, trains, cargo ships, elevators, escalators, subways, riding lawn mowers, camels, blimps, floats, unicycycles, golf carts, pocket rockets, barbie jeep, go karts, eighteen wheelers, garbage trucks, ambulances, fire trucks, bulldozers, hanggliders, gondala, canoe, pirate ships, skate boards, long boards, electric scooter, four wheelers, dirt bikes, police cars, oil tankers, barge, submarine, tanks, space shuttle, segway, electric wheelchair, raft, kayak, cruise ship, heeleys, alpakas, llamas, great danes, bulls, carrage, parachute, zipline, furniture dolly, rollercoaster, bungie jump, ripstick, human sling shot, shopping cart, snowboard, skiis, ice skates, snowmobile, zambodi, snow sled, solar powered car."

Please note: alpakas, llamas, and great danes
Side Note: We once did wheel one of my roommates around all night in a shopping cart - thus it IS a valid mode of transportation.

My Dream Man

Bible 10: "The way women got more popular in those days was pretty much the same as today. If you date, or marry someone popular, then you will get popular, and everyone will know you. Then, if your spouse does something irresponsible, you will be blamed for it and it will reflect you for the rest of your life."

You know, sometimes i forget my whole existence/value revolves around men... thankfully this boy was able to remind me <3

1191 Assignments to Grade On the Wall

Social Studies 3: "President Jackson was a good president, but I don’t think he would have liked me because my family is both Indian and black."

Haha. Aw. True.

Bible: "We erased some of the books of the Bible because they were not necessary. Some of the books of the Bible were meaningless to the Bible. They were not needed, so we got rid of them."

And that's what happened to the book of Hezekiah (um, that was a joke for anyone who had Bressler... beam me up, Jesus)

World History: "If i were a chinese i would feel the [Opium] war to be most unjustified"

The only thing I love more than blatant racism is the kids who don't know what 'justified' means... and i will never disclose its meaning. nor will i commission a monument in its honor.

God Votes Republican

Government: "A Christian will know that more than likely they will vote republican because they conform as to the same ideals. Likewise a person from a minority group is more likely to vote democratic."

Sometimes I forget that Christians are the opposite of minorities. And that God is a registered Republican.

Things God Likes
- War
- Money
- George Bush
- Golf
- Other Stereotypically Republican Things

US History: "But probably the main difference between us and other countries is our patriotism. I know of no other country where people will do anything for their country. So while other people would try to hide and run away I believe that a lot of Americans would grab their flag and shotgun and run out of the house screaming "God Bless America.""

Personally, I would stop to grab my Budweiser. The flag is just going to get in the way.

Un Correct Apostrophe's an God

Bible: "God doesn’t like when were un honest to each other. Lying lead’s to confrontation an God want’s us to be friendly to one another. Lying can cause another to get angry and God doesn’t want us to be angry. You can keep from lying by reading the Bible."

Government: "Wow, that’s a no brainer question, if we didn’t have the constitution this country would be a total pot hole."

US History: (From America's Diary) "I kind of feel weird though. I am 200 years old, and I have to take orders from my husband? That is not how it is going down. I am a woman, not a pet. I do not wanted to be treated like a nanny or a housewife."

God-only-knows via a Chat: "Can I please talk to the art techer I need her to put art back so I can do my ten reternd I can't the art class because it is gone I need to do those ten reternds so I can get my grades up do you. Understand me canyou find her to make her put art class back I really need to do those ten retrans like I said before to get my grades up can you find her?"

Understand me? um, not really.

Government: "Were not the freest nation for whites only."

US History: "Before I start I would just like to say I chose topic 1 and wrote all of this out on a piece of paper while I was doing my research. As I was doing my research I was able to get all of my information from Google and only Google. I am only saying this before I start so that way I do not get points taken off for not writing my sources."

Wow, great bibliography! You're right - now you won't lose points!

US History: "I would love to make a thesis statement but I am having a difficult time coming up with one so I have those far descided to skip this step in the process of making a research paper. I also pray that you are kind an do not get enraged by this and you show compassion and give me a good grade even though I did a bad job."

I AM ENRAGED!!! A+!

Music Is Life

Some History Class That Isn't Mine: "Francis Ferdinand - Scottish band, named after relatively insignificant Archduke that was assassinated and served as a spark to the gasoline, that triggered WWI."

Oh, that insignficant Archduke of Australia...

English 3 (I think?): "The loin has attacked three people. We are rinsed from the dead."

Government: (this was the answer for a midterm) "come on public school dont even got this much work.."

Biology: "Like if there is some thing green and a bug is also greed. No insect or mammal can eat him because he is safe."

Yes... yes, i see what you mean.

Government: "Yes, Texas is the only state that can be its own nation."

Connecticut begs to differ.

Social Studies 5: "The stories were boring sometimes and I think that some of them came from Indian sources because there are a lot of misspelled words."

Wait - do you mean the Pilgrims?

I Have 1300 Assignments To Grade

American History: "Normally wore hand made woven clothes, the men slaves that worked in the fields would wear slacks and during the summer, no shirt. The chick slaves that work in the house would wear ragged dresses."

I <3 my slacks!

Ancient History: "Isis: Hey there is a flood happening right now should we help the people.
Seth: We should go help the people right now it is the right thing to do.
Isis: I will get as many people as I can you do the same try to get a lot of people.
Seth: I got as many as I can did you get as many as you can did you save ever thing.
Isis: Like what besides the people the animals and anything else that you can.
Seth: The people are safe now and some animals but not all of them.
Isis: You should go back for any others that were not got out of the flood in time.
Seth: Ok I will go get any others while you see if any one is hurt.
Isis: Everyone is alright and now all the people are safe from harm.
Seth: Now the water is going down and almost everything was saved and the animals all are here and are ok and the people to ok job well done."

Job well done indeed.

American History: "1. Name 2 tribes that lived in the West before the Europeans arrived? The pilgrims are one of the tribes. The native American was the second."

Ah, yes. I remember the Pilgrim tribe ... I think they were Mormons(you know, followers of Islam).

American Government: "I still think that we are the strongest country out there and always will be."

Yup, me too. Just like Rome.

American Government: "We are the ones that should be throwing these horrible people in jail."

Team America: World Police!

Social Studies 2: "I would like to help people and be rich."

Good plan, kid!

American History: "The counterculture of the 1960's was made up of mainly hippies. The lifestyles included drugs, music, and protesting the Vietnam war. The only counterculture today would be like the emo or goth kind of type but actually they have not so good of music as the hippies so I don’t know lol."

WHAT?! Do you mean to tell me Something Corporate does not have the lyrical genius of Bob Dylan? That Dashboard Confessional is less talented than Jimi Hendrix? Agree to disagree, my friend. Agree to disagree.

Marbles Is Coughing Sans Covering Mouth (this is for those who Know)

Government: "If somebody calls and says that they are going to bomb the whitehouse, that would be a legitimate threat. If somebody called and said they were going to push somebody into a lake, that would not be a legit threat."

ohhhh... i get it!

Government: "If the United States are at war, I think that we should know about it."

Secrets, secrets are no fun...


And now we're being sent home early because nothing here works! Yay!

Big Willy Style

Biology: "8. First the male attracts the female by his special abilities like bright colors or chirping. He might battle another male and if he comes out triumphant the female insect falls in love with him and they get jiggy with it."

Well, Ah dunno whut y'all Nawthuners say...

Culinary Arts: "Yes, I did have a little problem with the separating of the egg folk"

They are the ones with the shells on their heads. You will catch on.

"Ma! The meatloaf!"

Culinary Arts: [the assignment is to write a 400 word diary response on the dinner that he/she cooked] "My Mom makes a great meat loaf with ketchup on top."

Wow, way to go Chaz Reinhold!

From Under My Hangover

Government: "They should never be disclosed to the public, because people need to be aware of everything thats going on and that could harm them."

i want to send a memo to my entire class telling them to look up the word disclose. also, commission. these are not big words. why. why!?

UGH.

Government: "My reaction to a monument of the ten commandments being commissioned is uncalled for. Our God is the very being that made the earth, so why no follow is commandments and be proud of it?."

This day is stupid.

Government: "I think they should be disclosed to the public if it would cause more damage to know than not to know."

Seriously.

Transformers From Heaven

Social Studies 5: "Steel is god for building bridges because it will make it strong."

Wide Open Spaces

Government: "I do not live in a city, I live in a country."

Hey - I live in a city in a country. I mean, not all rectangles are squares.

Big Robot Brother

Government: "There will be only one type of authority called police, but they will be super machines that don't allow the breaking of law, or you are kicked off the moon and sent back to earth to die.

[...] II. Supermachine police. They have the power to apprehend and escort the prisoner to the pod that goes back to earth. They also have the power to kill.

[...] The rules are simple: Don't commit crimes that were considered crimes on earth, or the supermachines will find you.

[...]There won't be like a law that says you must not tamper with what you wear, or if you find a cool rock on the moon and can make it into a necklace then do it up."

Well gee, any necklace I want?? That's not a totally creepster government afterall!

Just remember guys -- "The supermachine police cannot be fooled."

Jesus Christ, Cultural Icon

US History: "The most popular culture in the 1920's was probably Christianity."

Yeah, probably.

Crocodile Dundee, Austrian Archduke

US History: "The two opposing military alliances were entente powers and central powers. Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Australia was assassinated which was one of the main causes."

That is correct. It was weird how everyone in Europe got all in a tizzy over it.

Social Studies 4: "Today America and England are best friends. It's kind of like when two wrestlers fight each other, after the fight they can still shake hands and be good friends."

Dear England, Sorry 'bout that time with the tea. Lovesies, America

Social Studies 4: "Camp meetings were like good old fashioned tent revivals. They were religious meetings and an important social gathering for people who didn't have a big social life."

True story. Only nerds went to camp meetings.

Spanish 2: "It was real cool to see a different country and how people lived in poverty."

Sounds sweet, bro!

Spanish 1: "1. Miami, Florida has clear water. This interests me because I love clear water."

I love clear glass unicorns.

World History: "Does anyone have any objections to the Mediterranean area and surrounding parts of Europe and Africa? I thought not."