Sarah has One Aid

Some class: "There are countless ways one can lend aids to the poor and underprivileged of the country and the world."

I don't know about you, but my favorite way is intravenous drugs!

I Broke My Glasses While Brushing My Hair

Some class: "Porky is a pig. He lives on a farm. He loves to roll in the mud. Porky really likes to eat. One day porky heard the farmer was going to kill Porky and all the other pigs, so Porky decided it was time to go on a diet. No more junk food. Fresh fruits and green leafy vegetables were all he ate. By the end of the month Porky was the skinniest pig on the farm. All the other pigs thought that Porky was crazy. They all laughed. Porky said “You won’t be laughing when you get turned to bacon and ham”. The pigs got scared. They decided to go on a diet too. All the pigs got so skinny the farmer decided not to kill them. From now on, all the pigs on the farm ate a heathy diet and did yoga. The End"

So that's what Babe did wrong...

Some class: "3. An important gas that is released during photosynthesis is photosynthesis.

4. The Contrast between photosynthesis and respiration is photosynthesis."

When in doubt, photosynthesis.

Happy Monday, New Car Owner

World History: "Spartan: Spartan meant back then was basically strict discipline. Now today we know it as a group of great worriers."

Yes, really fantastic worrying going on here.



I had a lot of other funny ones that other people sent them... but i forgot to save them somewhere, so now they're gone.

Love Shack

Government: "Quartered- Penalty for high treason in Great Britain. When the colonists wouldn't let soldiers shack up in their homes."

Hot stuff baby this evenin'!

You Keep Saying That Word - I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means

Government: "Quartered means to cut or divide into four equal or nearly equal parts. The soldiers during the American revolution were quartered into the home of the people."

This sounds a bit messy.

Tumble Once for Yes

Algebra: "1. If a person knows no Arabic words, is it possible for him to learn the meaning of an Arabic word from an Arabic dictionary?

1. No it is now because the dictionary only tells the person in acrobat language."



To My Fellow Colleges

Government: “Hello and goodmorning my fellow colleges I am here today to convince you all to […] I am not certified in this industry but i have gottin information from certified worker in this industry that The engineers recommended that the work begin there, because it was the largest and contributed the most water to the River.”

I'm not sure which of The engineers are his colleges, but my colleagues and I will laugh either way.

SS5: “The first lair of the the rain forest is the canopy.”

This is where Voldemort lay in wait for years.

Forensics: “The first place was Britian, it changed alot in the 20th century. The second place is England.”

Ah. I see now.

Teacher Appreciation

After receiving a poor grade on yesterday's berri-berri Economics response, one darling student sent this gem to a teacher:

....................../´¯/)
....................,/¯../
.................../..../
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
..........................'...../
..........''............. _.·´
..........................(
..............................


Excellent use of time, I'd say.

Crop Tales

Economics: (research project essay) "my great grand father lived through the great depression he didnt die im still alive, hes still alive because he has a brain. the end"

If only I too had a brain.

Economics: (student response to a question about supply and demand in a farming country where crops have been destroyed by a hurricane): "fruit prices rise, people lack vitamins, get berri berri and die no one cares."

Please. Take your bleeding heart elsewhere.

Motivational Speaking

Forensics: "At first, I decided that the video was too boring, and I think I did not pay very good attention for that reason. Of course, then when I had to answer the questions, I wished I had observed more about the situation. I got very few details correct."

A+ for ... honesty?

No, It's Not About FarmVille

Some class: "More major seeds were planted in me that summer."

I'm just going to go ahead and leave that one out of context.

"No man, Alaska's Not a State"

Government: "The Ordinance made the United States stronger because it branches out to others territories which gave them power to become states and now we have the 51 states."

This one is particularly hurtful because I've heard so many students make it...

Government: "If u wannabe be 100% honesty did God really have anything to do with country making states?"

Aside from being wildly grammatically incorrect, this has 100% honesty nothing to do with the question.

Use A Dictionary

Government: "10. Suspended - A Cryogenic Nightmare is an interactive fiction computer game written by Michael Berlyn and published by Infocom in 1983."

Yup, that's the correct definition. How did you know that's what I wanted?

Thursday. In the Same Clothes as Wednesday.

Math: "I was $2.00' s negative at the store a few days ago. It was not fun. I had to go all of the way to the car to was get 2 measly little dollars. This morning my mom was puling her hair up,and found out that her hair - tie was way to negative. I laughed because it was to tight, and it made her face look funny. My dad was putting on some pants. At first it worked out fine, but then a button popped ... and another... and another. Thats when we found out that they were to negative... obviously they accidently made there way to the dryer. In the ending I ended - up paying the clerk the total amount, my mom got a hair - band that fit, and, well my dad went to work with unbuttoned pants."

Did he at least safety pin them?

World History: "The Egyptians were not very dumb people."

Just kinda dumb. I mean they wrote in pictures.

Government: "They had struggled so long to keep a well maintained self government, until their Satin got the best of them. When Satin brings himself upon your life everything goes haywire."

F-in' Satin. Always making my S go haywire.

Social Studies 2: "My second rule is No dogs allowed. I picked this rule because I don't want them pooping on my playground."

Amen, sister.

Wednesday Why Are You Not Thursday

I've forgotten to post a bunch of winners and that's too bad. you should all be sad, but you're a little smarter for not having read them.

Here's a good one:

Some Class: "Q: If you do not know Arabic, is it possible to learn Arabic from an Arabic dictionary?
1. No. You would need a definition in another language, or a picture, to understand the meaning of a word. Otherwise it is like trying to describe color to a blind man, or fashion to Donald Trump."

OOOOH! Got 'im!

Some Other Class: "a) A prime number is a number that cannot be made by being multiplied by a number other than 1 and itself.

b) A prime person would be Michael Jackson i would say."

Oh. me too.

Government: "If he takes to himself another woman, he may not reduce her food, her clothing, or her conjugal rights. It seems pretty self-explanitory to me. If you are a gent and you find yourself a nice little lass, do not treat her as a lesser."

This guy is like my dream man. I love how he somehow makes treating his little lass equally still sound derogatory.

SS 2: "I LIKE MACARONI AND CHEESE BECAUSE IT TASTE GOOD AND SOMETHING
I CAN EAT REALLY FAST."

Luckily for him, we only grade 2nd grade on completion....

SS 3: "When I went to NorthCarolina I went to the fun farm. "

... fun(ny) farm?

Rain, Rain

Public Speaking: "Directions on how to make speeches of debate: You need for your audience to be in a good mood, and all about your speech, you do not want to offend anyone so do not speak your opinion if someone is going to be mad."

Public Speaking: "1. Accountants

What's the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. "

Fact.

Good Ole Southern Hot Sauce

Government: "I think displaying the Ten Commandments in a community with a large Christian percentage will affect the community positively. Down south they use a lot more hot sauce then we do up north, all that's happening is the government attending to the community’s needs and wants."

God + Hot Sauce = Monument

Government: "I don't think we have any right to the moon. I think the articles are pointless when it comes to the moon because it's not on American soil. It's above it, way, way above it. We have no more right to it then other nations, and on top of that, what's the point? It can't benefit us in anyway, we can't move there or crow crops, are make money to help are sinking economy. So why toil with it?



But for the sake of this assignment.



The princess will rule the moon. She'll be elected by the people, from a group of other like minded princess's. The laws will be enforced by the Princess's army. Crime will be determined by a jury of the princess's court. We won't officially make rules for crime until such crimes occurs."

Luckily we have so many like minded princesses who don't want to make any laws until after people break laws that didn't exist in the first place. Now that's justice.

Anatomy: "Abstinence is the best birth control because it's like being absent from having sex."

Yeah, well, you better bring a note from home or you're getting a detention.

The Great Peanut War

Government: "The war on terror has killed many American soldiers and reporters, and hurt many families in the U.S. I myself, do not think we should be at war at all. America is not improving relations with other countries by fighting with Iraq. It was a few terrorists who harmed us, not a few countries. In falt, more people die every year from peanut allergies, than terrorism. Why aren’t we at war with peanuts?"

You know, I've been wondering that myself.

Some class: "We are constantly giving criminals the upper hand by protecting unnecessary freedoms provided by the Constitution such as privacy and search and seizure. "

I must also include here the brilliant remarks of a fellow teacher, upon discovering this gem:

[Teacher]: I'm so anti privacy, I'm pro full frontal nudity.
[Teacher]: I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE!

Me neither, friend. Me neither.

What You Missed While I Was at the Beach

So, sadly I am back at work today. I have been sent some winners this summer but was entirely too lazy to update this until now, when I'm back at my desk.

So, enjoy these fruits of the summer student's labor:

(some of them are long, but trust me, they're worth it)

Health: "Both had been drinking at a party for hours and were quite drunk and having the time of their lives. But that all took a turn for the worst when they decided to drive home drunk. Since ‘John’ was feeling sick, ‘Dave’ decided that he would drive home while John hung his head out the window vomiting. Dave may not have been sick, but he was very drunk and didn’t even notice that his car went off the road for a bit right near a telephone pole that was grounded by a wire. Dave and John finally made it home, and Dave went inside to bed. The next morning Dave woke to the sound of the neighbor screaming. He jumped out of bed and ran outside to find that his friend’s body was sticking out of the window, with blood everywhere and John’s head gone. Unbeknownst to Dave, John was decapitated by that wire when they went off the side of the road; and because Dave was so drunk, he didn’t even notice anything when he left the car to go inside."

You know, that happened to me just last weekend.

College Prep: "Topic Ideas;
rn1. My Pets
Good things about this Idea:
-It will be easy since I know my pets very well
-It will be enjoyable to share their stories
rn
Bad things about this Idea;
-It’ll take lots of thinking
2. My Family
Good things:
-Easy, very easy
Bad things:
-embarrassing! So Embarrassing.
I chose to talk about my pets over my family and myself because I believe it will be a better essay for one and two it will also be much cuter. And also because it will be much easier!
For Paragraph one I have decided to start off with a good grabber sentence then mention my 3 dogs by name and go on to talk about them in Paragraph 2. Then in Paragraph 2 I will talk about my first dog, Onyx, and give some cute stories of when we first got her. Then in the last sentence of the same paragraph I’m going to talk about her and Duke [My 2nd dog]. Once in the 3rd paragraph, talking about Duke the last sentence is going to introduce Lacy [My 3rd dog] and then Paragraph 4 will talk about Lacy. Then in the last paragraph I’m going to give a short cute story with all 3 then an ending sentence!
For the first paragraph it will be easy to introduce my 3 dogs, but for the 2nd when I talk about Onyx I’ll have to say how we got her then tell more about her in the same paragraph. As for the 3rd involving my dog Duke, I’ll again tell a story of how we got him then a story. The 4th will go the same way of how we got Lacy then a story. And the last paragraph will explain a good story of all 3 then an ending sentence.
My possible grabber sentence Idea’s;
3. Me, My dogs, And their stories!
My Ending Sentence Ideas;

2. Don’t forget about my 3 babies and their cute stories!

-I like it, but I don’t want to keep saying cute all the time so that’s bad."

Well, if that doesn't get you accepted... i'm just not sure what will.

Government: "Many people were thankful because George W. Bush was elected as President and restored honor and dignity to the Oval Office that was once full of scheming and democratic thinking."

Health: "I interviewed Billy Bob Brown. Billy became angry because he missed his calf. When Billy missed his calf, he jerked on his horse, and when he got out of the arena threw his rope can and wouldn’t speak to anyone. He continued in this mood for the rest of the day. Billy should not have taken his anger out on his horse, because he’s the one who missed the calf not the horse. All ropers miss calves once in a while that’s just part of rodeo. Eventually the evening of the roping Billy realized he should not be angry over missing his calf, and his mood began to improve. "

It's okay Billy, you'll get your calf next time.

American History: "The 1960’s were a time of protest. This movement was started by the youth of the time. One of them was know by the name of Billy. Billy worked at the post office. He lived in an apartment building with his roomy named Joe. They owned a hippy van and a VW Beetle. They lived in San Francisco. They went to concerts including Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Bob Dylan and Jimi Hendrix. They were living the life protesting.
It all starts at a Jimi Hendrix concert. It was at one of the concert halls. Billy and Joe got tickets as soon as they heard he was coming to town. They decided to take the hippy van to the concert. So they loaded it up and headed out to Los Angeles to get to the concert. They decide to take their friends, John, Jack and Jill. On the way there, when they are going through the middle of nowhere, they see something flying in the air. They think it is a UFO so they follow as fast as they can to see if they can identify it. But then they go off the road because a dip in the road sent them out of control. They go spinning into a coyote and Jill says, “Dinner!!!” They then roast the coyote on a campfire that they build. As soon as they finish they all pass out in the van.
As they wake up the next day they find that all their LSD has disappeared. Then they search for it and notice Jack is not there but they see a finger next to the campfire. They are all stumped by the finger and what happened to Jack but they decide to just keep going so that they can go to the concert. A few miles up the road they hit a bump in the road. They get out to see what it was and it was Jack’s head. This freaks them out. They decide they will continue and leave all these events behind them when Jill gets really sick. She starts throwing up. In the puke they find some human organs. Then they realize that they must not have eaten a coyote but it must have been Jack and that the LSD must not be missing but they must have used it.
They finally arrive in Los Angeles with a day to spare before the concert. Then they give away Jack’s ticket to a hippy that they see walking on the streets of Los Angeles. After that they go to the concert. Even though they used all of their LSD along the way to Los Angeles they find some more people who have a surplus. So Billy, John and Jill join them. They have a great time at the concert. Jill then finds out that she has become pregnant but no one knows who the father is as they were not in their minds as they were on LSD for most of the trip.
If the ride there was weird it was nothing compared to the ride home. "

Maybe this is the same John who later gets decapitated while drinking and driving. Either way, I think this kid's family needs to go on Wife Swap and learn a little more about how the other folk live...

American History: ""Mommy where are you going I asked to a party she replied, "do you want to go"(I already knew what she was going to say because we are always going to parties) Sure I said. Holly (my mom) said go get your disco mini skirt and tights. I went and got dressed, while my mom was smoking what she once said was called a pipe. Mommy screamed and said we’re going to be late hurry up. I yelled back okay I’m coming, I ran downstairs mom was already waiting for me in the Chevy. I grabbed a doughnut off the counter and ran out the door. Our Chevy was light blue it was not very nice looking though. Well I can’t complain so much because everyone either had a Chevy or a Chrysler and they all were ugly. When we got there my mom got out of the truck and there were 10 guys standing there they all stood in a line as my mom walked down the line she kissed all of them on the lips. Eww.. I thought then someone picked me up and kissed me on the lips. Well this always happens here in the 60's. Then someone reached up my skirt. Guys are always dancing with my mom and sometimes they are naked. They sometimes dance with me to naked but they do it with her more. My mom and her friends are always taking pills. There is a tall guy that wears disco clothes and (well disco clothes are normal) and he holds up two fingers well I see a lot of people that do that but he taught it to me. My mom said that pill and it makes them fall in love. Ladies and girls in the 60's wear really short mini skirts about 8" long you can see their panties. Guys wear long pants and long sleeved shirts. The food is like all sweet stuff like doughnuts candy and cake. We eat some vegetables and some fruits."

World History: "Well, another day and another war, or at least it feels that way. I am really getting tired of Mother Theresa. "

College Prep: "- Disney Channel - Hannah Montana
• She puts girls hopes up by having a double life on her TV show, making young girls think they can do that too.
• It also makes little girls grow up too quickly where they miss out on their childhood.

-Disney Channel - Disney Princess’
• The little girls who watch them think they are princess too, making their parents buy them almost anything Disney
• Also, makes little girls’ parents Miserable because they have a spoiled Brat in their house.

-Disney Channel - Wizards Of Waverly Place
• Selena Gomez does bad things on her TV show, and she gets away with it making kids believe they can do the same thing.
• The TV show has magic making kids believe they can use magic/spells


• And My final conclusion is that Disney is evil because it goes 120% against God."

Irrefutable.

Bible : "Being a slave would be awful because you HAVE to obey someone other than the one God you love so much. My reaction would be something like “Really!?” and I’d probly be in shock and not know what to do."

Social Studies: "How was the Quran revealed to the people?

Im sure one of the slaves spilled it out and told some people and it just got out."

Yeah, I think that's what happened.

Sociology: "Race to me? Well, it means: Who you are. Something you can't change. That's what it means to me. Picking a definition, I'd have to pick Essentialist, I think that aligns closely. We are all the same, really, but race is just a barrier between us all. A Caucasian could walk in, and get special treatment, while a Mexican could walk in, and get screwed over. "

Race to me? Ok, you say go!

English 6: "My grandpa was prejudicus of black peaple but he isnt any more because we went to go visit my grandpa in the nursing home a couple months ago and we brought my best friend Adasia with us (she is black)and my grandpa was very nice to her."

Career Prep: "I don't think i'll enter into the profession of massage therapy because i'd have to be on my feet all day, and some people don't just want a massage if you catch my drift, and I dont find that to be something enjoyable dealing with."

Okay, that's all for now. Enjoy that until more brilliance pours in from this years scholars.

My Last Day of Work For the Summer (Hopefully)

Language Arts 6: "My grandpa was prejudicus of black peaple but he isnt any more because we went to go visit my grandpa in the nursing home a couple months ago and we brought my best friend Adasia with us (she is black)and my grandpa was very nice to her."

Heartwarming.

A Class: "Q: Distinguish between intelligence and knowledge.
A: Some of the ways that some habbits are infected is. They get a lot dirty."

Well that is both intelligence AND knowledge.

Biology: "Biology and Relgion can affect greatly how people eat their lives."

Mm. My mid-twenties!

Long Live Extinction

Government: "The fur trade has been discontinued due to amount of animals being killed. It made many animals go to the brink of extension. "

Is that what happened to weiner dogs? Extension?

Public Speaking: "Growing up Avery always wanted to be a Power Ranger because his really admired the skill and expertise in their martial arts skills, and the ability they had to take down any and all bad guys. He currently prefers the transformers now, and would love to be a part of that organization. The most important day of his life so far was the day he was born. He feels this way because if he were not born, he wouldn't be here to be giving this interview. If given a chance to have dinner with anyone in history, he would choose to have dinner with Jesus, George Washington and Boy George."

Why, yes. We do teach public speaking via online homeschool.

Govnerment: "I know you have met my boss, Reprehensive Brown"

Ah, the reprehensible representative.

The Fish Have All Gone to Heaven

Biology: [assignment is to describe the food chain in different settings - forest, ocean, desert] "2. A deer eats plant leaves, the deer is killed by a gang of raccoons. The deer then decomposes and becomes food and fertilizer."

Fact.

Comment About Our Office: "it smells like someone didn't wash their vagina for about 7 months and then died"

Also fact.

The Truth About Asians

World History: "Asians live in the far east as well and they were big on trading food. They would love to trade food with other countries. This was because they always wanted to be trying something new. They wanted to not be the same all the time and be different for a chance. The Asians except change because they are always looking for something to change weather its just food or not."

Oh, those Asians!

World History: "The geographic region that i chose to talk about was World War 1."

That's my favorite geographic region!

Facts

Government: "The US historical I choose to compare with this event I wrote about is Lewis Armstrong. He was the first man of the US to walk on the moon. These two have a couples things in common they both deal with the moon. "

Correct. Lewis Armstrong: First Man (of the U.S.) on the Moon

Some Class: "I personally find the concept of nirvana quite laughable. In a
nutshell it’s “One day, one day you will evolve into the great
nothing”. I would at least rather evolve into the great pumpkin or
something."

Me too, Linus. (is linus even the one who believes in the great pumpkin?)

World History: "The civilization over in Iraq was not good at all. The way of living over there was horrible. This country did and has never done anything good for anyone."

World History: "Iraq is a very dangerous place, and no one would enjoy living over there. "

Nothing rounds out my day like a healthy helping of ignorance and prejudice!

Reality Bites

Some Class: "Due to a few very recent celebrity deaths, I think that the subject of death will not be taken lightly for a while."

Man, it's a real bummer those celebrities took all the fun out of death.

Psychology: "Sometimes when people say they hear voices, it may just be their own voices thinking inside their head."

Deep thoughts, by (Not) Jack Handey.

U.S. History: [excerpt from the best bibliography ever - 6 of 7 sources were like this]
"(1) http://www.echeat.com/essay Ericp, What was the main cause of the American Revolution, Causes of the American Revolution, 2005

(2) http://www.cyberessays.com/History/108.htm Causes of the French Revolution, 2000-09"

Wow, that's some reliable information you got there. You know anything with "cheat" in the title has got to be good!

Less is More

Some Class: (assignment is to list as many modes of transportation you can think of)
"cars, trucks, vans, buses, horses, buffalo, elephants, hot air balloons, motorcycles, airplanes, scooters, mopeds, feet, boats, ships, jets, skates, bikes, space ships to the moon, trains, cargo ships, elevators, escalators, subways, riding lawn mowers, camels, blimps, floats, unicycycles, golf carts, pocket rockets, barbie jeep, go karts, eighteen wheelers, garbage trucks, ambulances, fire trucks, bulldozers, hanggliders, gondala, canoe, pirate ships, skate boards, long boards, electric scooter, four wheelers, dirt bikes, police cars, oil tankers, barge, submarine, tanks, space shuttle, segway, electric wheelchair, raft, kayak, cruise ship, heeleys, alpakas, llamas, great danes, bulls, carrage, parachute, zipline, furniture dolly, rollercoaster, bungie jump, ripstick, human sling shot, shopping cart, snowboard, skiis, ice skates, snowmobile, zambodi, snow sled, solar powered car."

Please note: alpakas, llamas, and great danes
Side Note: We once did wheel one of my roommates around all night in a shopping cart - thus it IS a valid mode of transportation.

My Dream Man

Bible 10: "The way women got more popular in those days was pretty much the same as today. If you date, or marry someone popular, then you will get popular, and everyone will know you. Then, if your spouse does something irresponsible, you will be blamed for it and it will reflect you for the rest of your life."

You know, sometimes i forget my whole existence/value revolves around men... thankfully this boy was able to remind me <3

1191 Assignments to Grade On the Wall

Social Studies 3: "President Jackson was a good president, but I don’t think he would have liked me because my family is both Indian and black."

Haha. Aw. True.

Bible: "We erased some of the books of the Bible because they were not necessary. Some of the books of the Bible were meaningless to the Bible. They were not needed, so we got rid of them."

And that's what happened to the book of Hezekiah (um, that was a joke for anyone who had Bressler... beam me up, Jesus)

World History: "If i were a chinese i would feel the [Opium] war to be most unjustified"

The only thing I love more than blatant racism is the kids who don't know what 'justified' means... and i will never disclose its meaning. nor will i commission a monument in its honor.

God Votes Republican

Government: "A Christian will know that more than likely they will vote republican because they conform as to the same ideals. Likewise a person from a minority group is more likely to vote democratic."

Sometimes I forget that Christians are the opposite of minorities. And that God is a registered Republican.

Things God Likes
- War
- Money
- George Bush
- Golf
- Other Stereotypically Republican Things

US History: "But probably the main difference between us and other countries is our patriotism. I know of no other country where people will do anything for their country. So while other people would try to hide and run away I believe that a lot of Americans would grab their flag and shotgun and run out of the house screaming "God Bless America.""

Personally, I would stop to grab my Budweiser. The flag is just going to get in the way.

Un Correct Apostrophe's an God

Bible: "God doesn’t like when were un honest to each other. Lying lead’s to confrontation an God want’s us to be friendly to one another. Lying can cause another to get angry and God doesn’t want us to be angry. You can keep from lying by reading the Bible."

Government: "Wow, that’s a no brainer question, if we didn’t have the constitution this country would be a total pot hole."

US History: (From America's Diary) "I kind of feel weird though. I am 200 years old, and I have to take orders from my husband? That is not how it is going down. I am a woman, not a pet. I do not wanted to be treated like a nanny or a housewife."

God-only-knows via a Chat: "Can I please talk to the art techer I need her to put art back so I can do my ten reternd I can't the art class because it is gone I need to do those ten reternds so I can get my grades up do you. Understand me canyou find her to make her put art class back I really need to do those ten retrans like I said before to get my grades up can you find her?"

Understand me? um, not really.

Government: "Were not the freest nation for whites only."

US History: "Before I start I would just like to say I chose topic 1 and wrote all of this out on a piece of paper while I was doing my research. As I was doing my research I was able to get all of my information from Google and only Google. I am only saying this before I start so that way I do not get points taken off for not writing my sources."

Wow, great bibliography! You're right - now you won't lose points!

US History: "I would love to make a thesis statement but I am having a difficult time coming up with one so I have those far descided to skip this step in the process of making a research paper. I also pray that you are kind an do not get enraged by this and you show compassion and give me a good grade even though I did a bad job."

I AM ENRAGED!!! A+!

Music Is Life

Some History Class That Isn't Mine: "Francis Ferdinand - Scottish band, named after relatively insignificant Archduke that was assassinated and served as a spark to the gasoline, that triggered WWI."

Oh, that insignficant Archduke of Australia...

English 3 (I think?): "The loin has attacked three people. We are rinsed from the dead."

Government: (this was the answer for a midterm) "come on public school dont even got this much work.."

Biology: "Like if there is some thing green and a bug is also greed. No insect or mammal can eat him because he is safe."

Yes... yes, i see what you mean.

Government: "Yes, Texas is the only state that can be its own nation."

Connecticut begs to differ.

Social Studies 5: "The stories were boring sometimes and I think that some of them came from Indian sources because there are a lot of misspelled words."

Wait - do you mean the Pilgrims?

I Have 1300 Assignments To Grade

American History: "Normally wore hand made woven clothes, the men slaves that worked in the fields would wear slacks and during the summer, no shirt. The chick slaves that work in the house would wear ragged dresses."

I <3 my slacks!

Ancient History: "Isis: Hey there is a flood happening right now should we help the people.
Seth: We should go help the people right now it is the right thing to do.
Isis: I will get as many people as I can you do the same try to get a lot of people.
Seth: I got as many as I can did you get as many as you can did you save ever thing.
Isis: Like what besides the people the animals and anything else that you can.
Seth: The people are safe now and some animals but not all of them.
Isis: You should go back for any others that were not got out of the flood in time.
Seth: Ok I will go get any others while you see if any one is hurt.
Isis: Everyone is alright and now all the people are safe from harm.
Seth: Now the water is going down and almost everything was saved and the animals all are here and are ok and the people to ok job well done."

Job well done indeed.

American History: "1. Name 2 tribes that lived in the West before the Europeans arrived? The pilgrims are one of the tribes. The native American was the second."

Ah, yes. I remember the Pilgrim tribe ... I think they were Mormons(you know, followers of Islam).

American Government: "I still think that we are the strongest country out there and always will be."

Yup, me too. Just like Rome.

American Government: "We are the ones that should be throwing these horrible people in jail."

Team America: World Police!

Social Studies 2: "I would like to help people and be rich."

Good plan, kid!

American History: "The counterculture of the 1960's was made up of mainly hippies. The lifestyles included drugs, music, and protesting the Vietnam war. The only counterculture today would be like the emo or goth kind of type but actually they have not so good of music as the hippies so I don’t know lol."

WHAT?! Do you mean to tell me Something Corporate does not have the lyrical genius of Bob Dylan? That Dashboard Confessional is less talented than Jimi Hendrix? Agree to disagree, my friend. Agree to disagree.

Marbles Is Coughing Sans Covering Mouth (this is for those who Know)

Government: "If somebody calls and says that they are going to bomb the whitehouse, that would be a legitimate threat. If somebody called and said they were going to push somebody into a lake, that would not be a legit threat."

ohhhh... i get it!

Government: "If the United States are at war, I think that we should know about it."

Secrets, secrets are no fun...


And now we're being sent home early because nothing here works! Yay!

Big Willy Style

Biology: "8. First the male attracts the female by his special abilities like bright colors or chirping. He might battle another male and if he comes out triumphant the female insect falls in love with him and they get jiggy with it."

Well, Ah dunno whut y'all Nawthuners say...

Culinary Arts: "Yes, I did have a little problem with the separating of the egg folk"

They are the ones with the shells on their heads. You will catch on.

"Ma! The meatloaf!"

Culinary Arts: [the assignment is to write a 400 word diary response on the dinner that he/she cooked] "My Mom makes a great meat loaf with ketchup on top."

Wow, way to go Chaz Reinhold!

From Under My Hangover

Government: "They should never be disclosed to the public, because people need to be aware of everything thats going on and that could harm them."

i want to send a memo to my entire class telling them to look up the word disclose. also, commission. these are not big words. why. why!?

UGH.

Government: "My reaction to a monument of the ten commandments being commissioned is uncalled for. Our God is the very being that made the earth, so why no follow is commandments and be proud of it?."

This day is stupid.

Government: "I think they should be disclosed to the public if it would cause more damage to know than not to know."

Seriously.

Transformers From Heaven

Social Studies 5: "Steel is god for building bridges because it will make it strong."

Wide Open Spaces

Government: "I do not live in a city, I live in a country."

Hey - I live in a city in a country. I mean, not all rectangles are squares.

Big Robot Brother

Government: "There will be only one type of authority called police, but they will be super machines that don't allow the breaking of law, or you are kicked off the moon and sent back to earth to die.

[...] II. Supermachine police. They have the power to apprehend and escort the prisoner to the pod that goes back to earth. They also have the power to kill.

[...] The rules are simple: Don't commit crimes that were considered crimes on earth, or the supermachines will find you.

[...]There won't be like a law that says you must not tamper with what you wear, or if you find a cool rock on the moon and can make it into a necklace then do it up."

Well gee, any necklace I want?? That's not a totally creepster government afterall!

Just remember guys -- "The supermachine police cannot be fooled."

Jesus Christ, Cultural Icon

US History: "The most popular culture in the 1920's was probably Christianity."

Yeah, probably.

Crocodile Dundee, Austrian Archduke

US History: "The two opposing military alliances were entente powers and central powers. Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Australia was assassinated which was one of the main causes."

That is correct. It was weird how everyone in Europe got all in a tizzy over it.

Social Studies 4: "Today America and England are best friends. It's kind of like when two wrestlers fight each other, after the fight they can still shake hands and be good friends."

Dear England, Sorry 'bout that time with the tea. Lovesies, America

Social Studies 4: "Camp meetings were like good old fashioned tent revivals. They were religious meetings and an important social gathering for people who didn't have a big social life."

True story. Only nerds went to camp meetings.

Spanish 2: "It was real cool to see a different country and how people lived in poverty."

Sounds sweet, bro!

Spanish 1: "1. Miami, Florida has clear water. This interests me because I love clear water."

I love clear glass unicorns.

World History: "Does anyone have any objections to the Mediterranean area and surrounding parts of Europe and Africa? I thought not."

Spiderman was from Hawaii

Social Studies 5: "In Hawaii you can have the privilege of having Coconuts grow in your backyard. "

But remember Friends, with great privilege comes great responsibility.

Government: "Well one of the big things that has impacted me from this course have been learning how to research better, I now know the basic jest of the constriction, and of course I think that learning about history will all ways come in handy."

Yes, history is handy in all ways, but particularly when choking others as a joke.

Government: "Alcohol is bad for your health as long as your behavior."

Alcohol is also bad for sentence creation.

Government: "I think that the public should only be told of threats to the U.S when we are defiantly sure that the treat is real."

I would never defy my love of treats.

Forensics: "If I was in the government I would do anything to catch a murderer so you could get him off the streets and I would go as far as to DNA test 200 different people if I had to.

Wow, 200 people!? You will stop at nothing!

Government: "5.) It is the right of every living person to be allowed to jump on a bed of any size. We are smarter then Monkey's, I do not think we will bump our heads"

Social Studies 4: "Children should play and make new friends. Or get married and have a child instead of being a child. There just like animals, they have to be free and wild. And speaking of animals they should have an animal but they can't have one when there a slave."

Government: [on removal of 10 commandments from the courthouse] "I admit that I am a very conservative and republic Christian. God is the very air that I breathe so I am prejudiced with my indignation."

Supplies

Government: "Most people who are pro choice dont even think late term abortion should be legal. What it is, is that if a terminated baby comes out alive the nurse will rap it up in cloth and leave it in a supply closet untill it dies."

That's right. Dead babies, aisle 4.

You Heard It Here First

Sadly, I lost another whole word document of joy by not saving it and having my computer shut down... along with a bunch of other documents I needed for actual work... you'd think i'd learn, but i just dont.

anyway, today's winner!

World History: "9. What advice would you give to a student enrolled in this class for next year?
I don’t know?! To just do it, you don’t have to be smart."

You don't, indeed.

Diamond Fishing

Biology (maybe?): "When brain uploading is as regular as a tattoo we will be able to many other things, a whole world of adventure will open up to us. We can upload our brain into robots that are like the “terminator” and we would require little food and oxygen if any at all. These people will become known as “cyborgs” and will be able to live in space, live underwater, live high in the sky on anti gravity subdivisions, and maybe under the earth once we can devise a way to withstand extreme heats and swim in the earth’s mantle and go diamond fishing! "

Not Sure What Class: "One way you could develop good treatment of the body is to...........
practice good treatment of the body. Keep your self cleaned up all the time. You could start by getting up, fixing up your bed, getting some clothes on worthy of being looked at and next going down stairs and getting some good healthy breakfast down your throught before you get to your slave ridden lives."

Wow, try to tone down your optimism, kid.

Gifts of Government

Government: “The Government is evil. It is not helpful at all. Now that the new president is in everything is going to go hay wire. Yet most liberals want more and more government with more and more power. Government discloses nothing to the people except propaganda to expand their power and control over the people."

This is as opposed to the Bush administration, which thankfully did not use propaganda.

Government: "The government is just not cool at all.”

Yeah, man. I heard the government didn't even get asked to prom.

Government: “3.If you have a problem with the government you may take it up with the president and hand it to his secretary and she will be sure to give it to him.”

Government: “Amendment I: No person shall be allowed to go into anothers home without the owner or a permission slip.”

I would just like to hear a cop say, "Excuse me. May I see your permission slip?"

This Is Why We Proofread

Social Studies 5: “From 1750-1850 the Hawaiian people spoke their own language and did not have their own alphabet. This is an example of how they talked to each other: Lah-oo-wee-leewee-lee-noo-koo-noo-koo-oh-ee-oh-ee.”

Forensics: (on the Shroud of Turin) “N one really knows if it is the same cloth that raped JESUS' body. “

Man, innocent until proven guilty.

Government: "The President hands selects them himself."

Just like Thing on the Addams Family.

Ginger Free Zone

Spanish 2: (bonus? this girl consistently turns in her responses in English)

1. My hair looks so stupid the weird looken haircut she need to cut it eave next time.
2. I need you to trim my hair?
3. I have curls I want them gone.
4. Im blonde don’t change my hair color!
5. Im not becoming a redhead!

Bad News

[Student]: I have bad news though!
[Me]: What is it?
[Student]: The other nite we were coming home from church and there was this doggy chasing this kitty...........
[Student]: and we didn't see the doggy......
[Me]: Oh dear!
[Student]: and we heard a Squill..........
[Student]: and felt a ROUGH bump..........
[Student]: and daddy said OH Jesus!!
[Me]: Oh no!
[Student]: We prayed he would die if he was in pain..........
[Student]: but I hope he was okay!!


... aaaaaahahaha. slash really sad. waiting for the bad news and watching it appear was priceless though. especially the "OH jesus" line.

i actually really like this student though. She was pretty upset bc her dad didn't stop to see if the dog was okay. sadsies!

Typo!

Culinary Arts: "Thank you and God Bliss."

Trust me - I am in God Bliss.

Memorial Week

So far this week, I have learned the following:

Spanish 1: “This painting shows a cat eating a bird.
The cat has some very long sharp claws.
The bird is hanging out of its mouth.
The cat and the bird are both kind of deformed looking!
The cat looks like it is smiling.
I like this painting because it is of a cat killing a bird!
I really like the cat's claws.” Wow, okay.

Government: “All races, ethicists, and gender alike are of equal statues.”

I <3 statues of ethicists.

Government: “I think that if the political parties didn’t exist, we could do bubble gum in dish, something me and my friends do as kids, to choose, who goes first, to choose a candidate.”

US History: “The young women are wearing mini skirts, maxi skirts, and the young men are refusing to cut their hair”

A maxi skirt? Now, is that really long, or is it a skirt that absorbs menstruation?

Government: "Texas is a very independent state, they are the only state who is still very able to become its own country. I think that it would be fine to become its own country. I am not sure it would bother me, but then people who are visiting would have to have passports. It would eventually become bothersome to me though."

Bonus side note - this inspiring answer has nothing to do with the question, which is asking if your state has a method by which citizens can propose laws.

Social Studies 2: “As a hula dancer, I would do a dance about the problem of overpopulation.” (this one is actually a legitimate response to the question, it just made me laugh.)

Biology: “8. An insect can go around find his or her mate. After this they will reproduce on each other.”

Biology: “1) Let’s look at the Muslim religion, we don’t see people torturing them, telling them to give up their Gods, their religion. “

Waterboarding = Relaxation Therapy.

Biology: “2) Evolution isn't real because its not happening today. Why aren’t humans evolving into martians?”

I actually feel kind of like a Martian today.

My Barbie Horse, Star

Spanish 1: "This painting looked to me like it was full of music. I love that when you practices playing the violin, or write music, that you over look the sea. "

Social Studies 3: "Mr. Ford, I believe was trying to make life more pleasant for us. Why????? Because, he knew ridding on horses, sooner or later, would get old. People would want new things like: Cars, trucks, SUVS, stuff like that. Can you imagine what it would be like to still be ridding in wagons, or on horses??? I sure couldn’t! I mean horses are cool I want to ride one, one day. But, we would have no highways, we would have to be tying our horses up!! It would just be a BIG mess. But, I do have some Barbie dolls that like to ride my plush horse “Star”!!! I do! Do you think horses are cool??"

That's actually from a student who i really get a kick out of. I would totally play Barbies with her. but i wouldn't recommend she includes them in her homework.

Back In Business

This week has been a rough one -- lots of grading, little hilarity, and a sinus infection.

Some gems to share:

Culinary Arts: "The only problem I had with the recipe is that I wasn’t wearing a shirt and it burned…. a lot."

Culinary Arts: "Anyway I really enjoyed this meal and don’t forget always wear a shirt while cooking bacon it burns….. a lot." Got it. Twice.

Spanish 2: "Opinion – I would love to take a trolley through a sinkhole and learn all about the interesting things that are in them."

Spanish 2: "Don’t tell me the toilet is baked up."

Spanish 1: "I chose the painting in the upper right hand corner for these reasons. I think it is the most beautiful painting out of them all because it reminds me of my mother. My mother’s face and hair look similar to that of the woman’s in the painting. I also liked this painting because it is not abstract like the other paintings. What I like about this panting most is that it reminds me of my mother. "

Compulsive Eaters Unite

Spanish 1: "Write a dialogue in Spanish between two people about either the weather, sports, ordering a meal, or getting directions. Use five to ten sentences.

Mr. red – much food to choose on the menu Mr. blue.
Mr. blue – yes, I think I will start with a side salad.
Mr. red – I don’t like salad, I will have a baked potato.
Mr. blue – the waiter is coming with our drinks.
Mr. red – what do you have in mind for the main course?
Mr. blue – I’m in the mood for hambugers , you?
Mr. red – I think ill have one of everything.
Mr. blue. – that’s too much food, your joking.
Mr. red – no, I will eat my plates too.
Mr. blue – are you ok?
Mr. red – no.
Mr. blue – I will get help.
Mr. red – yes, the waiter can help me order everything."

wow.

Lost Files

These are ones that I found from the other day:

Government: “After all if for anything else up until Obama was pres. we were a Christian nation right?”

Social Studies 4: “Yes, I did listen to the recordings and storybooks but my favorite little song was on I think on my first day of social studies it was called "Ten Little Indians" I played it over and over again because I liked it so much but I guess my mom told me to move on to my next subject so I could not play it again.”

A Shame

Spanish 1: (matching up column A and B which happened to be numbered...)
"sorry i mistyped.
8=3
thanks -[student]"

ahahaha. 8=3. oh man ... totally left my maturity at home today.

Biology: "In biology i learned the different things that you need to look for, and the different things in your body that are important. I learned the animal anatomy. I learned the different veins and attorneys in the body and many other things. I think this was a very well educated course. I am glad i had a chance to take it."

Forensics: "What I find truly intriguing about the Shroud [of Turin] is that it’s thousands maybe millions of years old yet it has not decomposed."

Oh, right! A million years ago, with Jesus and the dinosaurs.

Government: "So if we all helped form America, should we all not have a say and an ear in what is going on? 9/11 was so-o-o-o-o tragic! Over two hundred people died? Was this not an awaking for our government?"

Well, that was an awakening for me. I just can't believe over 200 people died! Thank god it wasn't more -- like thousands! that would've been so-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o much more tragic.

Mormonism and Other Mysterious Religions

Today I am grading some final papers. They are rife with incorrect information and unintentional wit!

World History: “I feel badly about the effects of Israel's wars becoming to get to this bad of a point, it is not even my responsibility for Israel to be so terrible I do not have to feel guilty about it but I guess it is just because I feel so bad for them. I do not know if it will ever end, the wars between the Jewish people and the Muslims but I hope and pray to God that the Muslims will not get the upper hand and win the war by overcoming the Jewish people of Israel and then finish off the existence of all humanity by then creating a Muslim world where not only Jews are not safe or free from Muslims but where all of the world is not free or safe from the Muslims. Who knew Christianity would or even could be so cruel?”

World History: “In mid 1973 Iran chose not to join the Arab oil and bargo against the West and Israel.”

World History: “There are many religions in the Middle East and they all carry over into the United States. Two of the most popular would probably be Judaism and Mormonism.”

(Next paragraph in the same paper): “Mormonism is the belief of Islam.”

Social Studies 5: "My favorite living things in the oceans are star fish and whales. Because whales are so cute and very smart that you can trade them."

Social Studies 5: "In one year some people came and trading things that the Hawaii need and they would give the trades food.Well one time some people came from Connecticut and took four kids to Connecticut to teach them."

Social Studies 5: (via email) "Hello. [Student]'s mom here. [Student] is reading about Hawaiian legends. I'm confused. The first one about the goddess of volcanoes. Isn't her name Pele? It says Pete all the way through the reading passage. Or am I wrong and the legend is about a woman named Pete?

Just wondering,

[Parent]"

aaaaaahahahahaha. shit son. Pete was really huhu that we got her name wrong.

Return of Police Monkey

Government: “This is the constitution of the moon it is created by me. There shalt be no lawa made on or for the moon. The main purpose of the moon is to put all our trash on it so america will look clean to other nations. Overtime when the moon becomes fell it is to be lighted with gasoline and set fire so that we will no longer have pollution hanging over our heads."

ESL (fill in the blank): “3. [John] presented himself as the candidate to liberate the country from corruption.

4. [African-American girl] is generally high among the Native American population.

1. [Many birds] may go for years between significant rainfalls.”

Okay, It’s ESL. But come on.

Social Studies 2: “My mom makes me special, when she plays with my toy monkey."

Nevermind. Maybe I don't want that toy monkey afterall.

Tuesday

I had more of these, but my document got closed without being saved. Alas.

Biology (maybe?): “If we had two suns, it would be way to hot for us here. Who knws it might also blind us, which would make people lose their jobs.”

Forensics: “1. From the data on the chart, what evidence supports the theory that these bones might indeed be the remains of the lost scientists? I'm honestly not sure what the difference is between lost scientists and lost "regular-people".”

Culinary Arts: “My mom couldn’t taste because of her allergies but she did say that it felt good in her mouth.”

That's what she said.

US History Gold Mine

So, I'll be honest, the majority of these are from one particularly careless student in my US History class. Not all of them are her, but she was really a shining star responsible for 2/3 of these.

US History: “The French revolution never fingered out there war cause they never could agree on anything.”

US History: “The French didn’t really seem to be fighting for much they where fighting for the britches.”

US History: “The American’s took over the British of French. They took over them for years that’s what it says and The untied states of American I’m not sure if we still have the British French maybe someone else took over them now.”

US History: “The French took over some place I forgot the pace.”

US History: “It never rained and it fault like a hot dusty disorient.”

US History: “The farm hade a some house and some what good water and food. It went years tell the war ennead and where I was use to my job cleaning how to make clothes and cook food.”

US History: “I hade told them that sometimes there where fries and people would die.”

And today's crowning glory -- best chat I've ever had:

“Teacher: Thank you, have a blessed day!
Parent: I love how this school ends with "a blessed day!"”

Me too, Parent. Me too.

"Wiped Down the Baseboards"

Sorry for the delay. I was lazy last week because I was also sick and cranky. These are from Friday. No treasures from Thursday.

Social Studies 5: “Hawaii is a state to have fun in. Now name me one state in the United States that is just all party. I thought so. There is no other state ifridn the U.S. that is just for fun.”

World History: “Well, was the war justified? I would have to say legally, no, but economically speaking, yes.”

Social Studies 5: “The elephants have a big and long nose, called truck.”

Spanish 2: (assignment was to translate from spanish phrases) “1.Park the automobile next to the bomb.” … whoopsies, 'bomba' actually means gas pump.

Government: (from a bill of rights for a colony on the moon) “8- Right to try and contact aliens that may be suspected of disrupting your livelihood.”

Government: “Or the poor kids getting blown up everyday in Iraq for having fathers and mothers who are communist to our country."

Spanish 1: “Paella is a traditional plate in Spain. It originates from Valencia, but there were difference variations in other Spanish places. It’s cooked outside with fire. It tells you the things to cook with it I think. Including tomatoes and ...peas?"”

Weak Wednesday

Not much hilarity today, despite the fact that I graded almost 200 assignments. Sorry, friends!

Government: “I personally don’t think anything should be disclosed from the public.” Again, with that word…

Social Studies 2: “My play was Rosa Parks and we made it as simple as we could. The characters were my sister and my brother and I and my plush toy police monkey, George. My sister Esther was Rosa Parks, my brother Abraham was the white man, and I was the bus-driver. We did not use any props. Rosa Parks: No I Will not!, Bus-driver: let this man sit here!”

ahaha, I actually think that one is just super adorable. I want a police monkey!

This Is Really From Tuesday

So, yesterday I left work early and forgot to email myself these gems before I left. But fear not, here they are:

US History: “Any death really strikes panic in people, however when it is the leader of the nation, it will be slightly worse.”

US History: “I can’t say America improved at all with the elections of 2000 and 2004. Actually, many will probably say it was more of a disprovement considering George Bush wasn’t the most intelligent of people to attempt to run the nation”

Forensics: “Proper packaging is important because if its a liquid and you put it in a paper bag...well that just wont work.”

Government: “2. What are your religious beliefs? How do these beliefs influence your position? My beliefs are spiritfilled. I believe in the father son and the holy spirit as one. He is my savior and he died on the cross for my sins. He is Jesus Christ and he is my hero. Im not sure actually I just read my bible when i have the time talk to God all the time and stick with my youth and stay in leadership.”

Social Studies 5: “The Greeks and Romans had in common is That they like to rule. The romans & greeks are realy diffrent like the romans dont like games as much as the greeks.”

Social Studies 5: “Becouse "Demrocicy" is the maning people.”

Government: “In this essay the author is going to discuss what the authors opinion to remove Saddam Hussein from his position, and about the policies of rebuilding Iraq after the war. Many people have different opinions on this topic. The author thinks that these decisions are right and he will explain.”

Clarifications

Here is some basic info that some people have been wondering:

• The students are k-12. The classes with numbers after the name indicate the grade. All of the other classes are highschool.
  
• Yes, I do teach an absurd number of classes, but some other teachers have been sending me funny ones they get as well.

Monday Madness

The weekend been good to us!

Forensics: “i did bad on the activity. thay wernt vary instring”

Social Studies 5: “Greece is known for its false gods and goddesses. It has many and there are a lot of legends that tell ridiculous stories of how they were born and worshipped.”

Social Studies 5: “The food sounds disgusting. They eat octopus, fish pies and fried and pickled pigeons. I do not think I could eat those foods after seeing what they look like alive. Especially an octopus and the method to clean it sound gross. The way they beat it against a wall until it gets soft sounds so sick. I don’t think I could get that picture out of my head. I would stick with the figs and pastries if I had visited that town.”

Bible 5: “What is a missionary? Can you be a missionary in your hometown? How?
1. Here is mine missionary to put in my words I would say that it means like he was being mean to them in a weird way.
2.No,you don't you can do it here.In the USA.
3.Well I can make people pick up trash that they drop right on the ground.
p.s I BELIVE IN MY BIBLE TEACHER BE A PREACHER SOME DAY.”

Spanish 2: “Losing your class credit means I will not qualify for a college ready diploma. Double Bummer!”

Terrible Obnoxious Chat for World History:
"Student: ok and the final paper what can that be wrote on?
Teacher: Have you read the directions?
Student: yes i can but its confusing
Student: i have
Teacher: Alright, what is confusing you specifically?
Student: can i wrote it on like anything through the whole school year?
Teacher: You can write on any geographical region we have studied -- then you can focus on whatever events you choose, but make sure you cover the topics asked about in the directions.
Student: ok wow this is gonna take some time
Teacher: Yes, it is your big final paper.
Teacher: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Student: yes how much of my grade does it count for?
Teacher: The grade weight is 6.
Teacher: That means it weighs 6 times as heavily as a typical assignment.
Student: do say i got a zero on it and i have a 76 now would i fail the class?
Student: say sorry
Teacher: I don't know precisely how it would affect your grade, and I am not willing to take the time to calculate it.
Teacher: If you choose not to do your final paper, you need to accept the consequences.

Then, in the social center:
Same student: shes a bitch
Friend: lol
Same Student: i have a 76 in history and i asked if i got a zero on my final paper would i fail the class
Same Student: and shes like im not willing to celculate that right now and if you choose to not take the final paper you will have to live with the concukunces
Friend: a 76 dang
Same student: lol i know it sucks" Oh yeah kid? see what you get now! mwahahaha!

Culinary Arts: “I didn’t have the ingredients needed to make some kind of pudding, so I chose to make another recipe that contains the second juice of life known as milk.”

Culinary Arts: “Next to harness each substance’s power and sew them altogether in a masterful canvas of culinary perfection. So with the help of my trusty sidekicks bowl and whisk we beat the imperfection out of Mr. Batter and brought forth the formula for world peace and happiness.”

Social Studies 5: "What a city, Greece is a fascinating place."

TGIF

Social Studies 5: "A volcano erupts in hawaii in 1750.Causing massive desctrution.Also causing people to evacuwqait.Causing over 1 millons dollars worth of damage.In 1959 hawaii becomes americas 50 state.So hawwaii isnt just know for beaches.It also know as the 50th state.And that is my two paragraphs."

Culinary Arts: "It took me nearly two hours to complete this recipe, I had an issue with the dough when I had to leave it in a warm area of the kitchen; the dough became soggy, because one of my cats knocked over a glass of water."

Culinary Arts: "I did not invite anyone to try this recipe; because it would have been weird to be on the phone and ask someone to “Come over and try my bagels,” there is a certain level of confusion that would have erupted from their side of the conversation at that point."

English 8 (a chat sent by another long-suffering coworker):
" [Teacher]: Hello. How may I assist you?
[Student]: Hi Who is the Auther for the book The diary of Anne frank
[Teacher]: Anne Frank.
[Teacher]: It is her diary
[Student]: At the side were it tells you the all the topics that we are doing this year it saids The diary of Anne Frank
[Teacher]: Right.
[Teacher]: This is a true story. This is the actual diary of a little girl in WWII.
[Teacher] A girl not that much younger than you.
[Teacher]: Can I help you with anything else?
[Student]: Yeah i dont know whi the Auther is
[Teacher]: I have already told you that the author is Anne Frank.
[Teacher]: Several times. "
I feel your pain.

Forensics: "Fingerprints are the patterns of lines and grooves on the surface of the fingertip. They provide improved grip. Fingerprints were first used in the United States to grip the pen that signed the Declaration of Independence."

In case you're wondering, and just so you can appreciate how astonishingly wrong that answer is, the correct "first use" of fingerprints in the US was by Gilbert Thompson in 1882 to prevent the forgery of his documents. But, you know, presumably he also used his fingerprints to grip things.

Thirsty Thursday

I need a drink.

Government: "In order to fulfill the cause of equality, there needs to be an ointment for the skin of the dreams of our forefathers so grossly afflicted by the warts of ignorance. That ointment is called education."

A coworker sent me this via intraoffice chat: "i am proofreading [student]'s essay. at the end; The end I would like to dearacite this to my teacher [my teacher name]." Sweet! a dearacitation!

Culinary Arts: " I think salad is such a good menu to take care of your health but if you are fat, you should not add too much meat and salad dressing."

Social Studies 3: "To not forgive Andrew Jackson for the things he may have done during his presidency would make Jesus' death in vain. "

Culinary Arts: "They all said that my dish was wonderful and they could not believe it was my cook."

But is it okay for fat people to cannibalize?

Slow Day

Only two winners today:

Government: “Obeying and trusting God is where the strubble of self-governing became a problem God only have man one rule.”

Biology: "I only found one thing that contradicts our religious beliefs. The thing that contradicts our beliefs is that snakes ever have legs. The bible states that the serpent in the garden of Eden was cursed by God and would have to crawl on it’s belly for the rest of it’s days. This is the only thing that I could tell that was a contradiction to the Bible and our views of the world."

Greetings from Science!

Contributions from a fellow teacher -- her joy? Creation Science!

"did not make a green house because global warming is a load of bull $*!^ that some crackpot scientest's came up with to get money to do some "Reaserch" on how to prevent it, when all they are really doing is spending it for their own gain and plesure. The truth? In one week, a volcano spewing off volcanic ash, spews out the equivelent amount of Co2 in ONE WEEK, that all the cars and planes and powerplants ever made by humans have ever done in recorded history, and beyond. This subject irks me to the point of Genocide, because it is absolute BS in every sense of the term. i simply cannot understand why OTHERS dont understand that it is simply the earth heating and cooling itself. i will bet you 100 U.S. Dollars that in 50 years time when im 64 years old, that some crazy guy will be going around screaming about "Global Cooling" If someone does this, im going to take an aluminam baseball bat and smash their skulls in. people need to get a grip, get a job, and get a life."


"I believe there is a conflict between our religious teachings and what the scientists say. I believe this because in the bible it says that God created Adam then created all of the animals and let Adam name them. But the scientists base all of the study and research on information they have already collected in the past without taking what the bible says into account. In my opinion a scientist should do both of those things. Once he or she collects some new evidence they should check to see if there is some past evidence discussing what they found; they also should consult the bible to see what it has to say on the matter."


"Intelligent Design has so much more fact and proof as to why Darwinism or the Big Band Theory isn’t true. "


"Have you ever wondered why biology is so important to some people? Well for starters biology is a special part of some peoples life because some people are in jobs that have to deal with biology and science. "


"I think that genetic mutations are OK as long as they are for a good cause. For instance, what if someone's animal died and they were very attached to it and they wanted to have the genes that the animal had mutated? I think that would be a reasonable explanation for someone to be able to preform a genetic mutation. I also think that if a woman got pregnant and had the baby but then like three months after the baby was born it died because of sudden infant death syndrome also known as SIDS? I think that the woman should have a choice to decide whether or not she wanted to get some of the genetics that the baby had and give them to the embryos in the woman so that she will be able to have a child instead of trying and trying all over again. "

So, wow. Thanks for those, Ashley :)

The Archives

So, I became a teacher for an online homeschool about 2 weeks ago. I now teach social studies, which is particularly interesting because I have a degree in English.

Anyway, since I've started, I've been saving some of the more hilarious assignments I've gotten to share with my friends. The people have laughed, and they have spoken, and thus Have a Blessed Day! was born.

Things you should know to appreciate this blog:
1) Yes, several of our academies are religiously affiliated.
2) No, I'm not making this stuff up.

4/23/2009-4/25/2009:

Culinary Arts (via email): "oh my goodness this bagel recipe is sooo hard!! it has taken me like 6 or 7 hours total! should it be this time consuming?"

Social Studies 3: "1. Because they need some place to sleep at night times, and they need to sleep on the soft leaves not on the cold ground. Nights are so dark and crippy."

Social Studies 4: "About 40% of the Earth's surface is covered by land. 71% of the Earth's surface is covered by water."

World History: Student submits blank assignment for final paper.
This comment is returned with notice of failing grade, "[Student name], Why wouldn't you try to complete this assignment? It has a very big effect on your grade. Blessings, [Teacher]"
Student response, "This was easier to grade."

Social Studies 2: "Jesus is the only hero there is. Here is my story. Jesus was born in Jerusalem. Jesus wasn't born in a house. He was born in a stable. When Jesus was grown up, he was healing people and doing geat things. When people were boing theaffering, a woman gave all the money she had, one penny. Jesus said she gave all that she had and God will bles her."

World History: "March 1890 Dear Diary, I knew this day would come. Today I was forced out of office by Wilhelm II. Although this is a sad day I feel that my time in office was well spent. My plan was perfectly executed and the German states were unified. I have helped Germany establish a good standing in the world. I do hope no one comes along and makes us look like totally Deutsch bags. (note from [student name]: I meant to say Deutsch)"

4/27/2009:

Social Studies 4: "I disagree with the total control the Puritans’ had over the community. Forcing everyone to worship the same way he or she did. Deciding they were the only ones allowed to vote. Expecting the community to abide by their laws even if they did not belong to the church or agree with them. My question is who died and made them “Jesus Christ.”"


4/28/2009:

Government: "I think that threats should only be disclosed to the public if it will harm us to know. "

US History: "America improved a lot by these events because now we can see others just as equal as we see ourselves. That that is actually God's main wish."

Social Studies 5: "I am sorry my first paragraph got turned in so many times there is something wrong with my laptop, I guess I should get it fixed. But let's get back to the Hawaiian Sea Turtle He deserve's some attention after all this report is about Him!!!!!!!! HA! I think that this turtle should have a longer time to live since He is endangered. You know it is report's like this that make say : No wonder our teacher get's smarter she has to read our report's."

Social Studies 3: "This is [Student Name]'s mom. I am upset about the weblink provided for [Lesson], Learn all about camels. It led her to an Arab dating link, but nothing about camels. I think the school should be more aware of dangers like this."

Government: "I was baptized around the age of 5 to 9 years of age. "